Paindemic

It took me awhile, but I figured out the reason I have been sleeping so much is due to pain.
To say I have been in pain constantly for several years now is an understatement. It does nothing to convey how much pain that is, for one thing, let alone how relentless it feels.

I should note that it's not so much pain itself that causes me to wanna sleep more (if possible) but the energy it consumes.
Pain literally sucks your energy away, and that can be very debilitating and depressing.

Even though I am presently relatively healthy, the pain coursing through my veins is relentless.
Like a bad case of tinnitus it NEVER stops.
This ain't just physical, either, for there is no small degree of psychic pain that boils forth as a result.

I do realize, and have written about in the past, the benefits of pain; how it leads to revelations if you let it, and if you choose not to take the wide n' easy path of victimhood n' bitterness steeped in envy.

Indeed, those who choose the path of victimhood n' bitterness wouldn't have any idea what I mean when I say we should be grateful to God no matter how much pain we may endure.
Or how we can use our pain to help us realize, actualize and transcend on our quest for Truth, Beauty n' Goodness.

No, victimhood n' bitterness will allow dissent (or descent) but never ascent. It may garner pity but it will never permit joy. And what in the hell is pity good for? Absolutely nothin'.

And tell me, who looks forward to hangin' out with bitter folks? I avoid them like the plague if at all possible.
I sincerely hope n' pray that if I EVER begin to get bitter that you all slap me upside the head n' knock some sense back into me. I literally and figuratively mean that (so get yer seebats ready).

It's funny but there was a time, back in my prime, where I knew I was virtually invincible.
And a few times I was knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door (or purgatory).
Vibrant, full of life to an almost lifeless shell. And yet, at my most energetic I was often engaged in a war for my very soul in the depths of despair, while at my closest to death I found myself full of the highest Hope, and the gnoledge that my soul is in Good hands.

Aye. It's good to remember that there are far worse things than mere death, and there is nothin' much better than Life properly ealized (in regards to our Destiny), and all that it brings (Hope, Faith, Love, Truth, Nobility, Honor, Goodness, eauty, etc.)

In that light, I'm sorry to say it's still a bit depressing when I try to imagine what it was like to be pain free and have abundant energy. And it's not a little bit selfish, I reckon.
It wears on me to the point where it's very difficult to function. Good thing we have dogs to walk, or most days I would never get outta bed.

I can hear a voice sayin' "quit your bellyachin' and man up, dammit! Be grateful for what you can do, and be thankful in all things. Trust in your Father. He knows precisely what you feel so you are never alone."

And another voice smoothly sayin' "you ARE a victim. Why won't your God take that pain away? Doesn't He love you? Look at how UNFAIR it all is. You deserve better!"

So you see that although I have decided to never accept victimhood n' bitterness, the choice always remains. Of course, I gno I can't live with the choice of bitterness. I'm just sayin' all this so I don't get coicky or nothin'.

Ha! I forgot what my point is now. Perhaps I jest needed to write this to remind myself why I'm fightin' to begin with. Yeah. I need these reminders sometimes.
Thanks guys for all your prayers and...for bein' you. The best friends a guy could possible ever want. :^)