Sunday, December 21, 2008

Come Sail Away With Me

Chapter 23: Ain't nobody Leavin' this place without singin' the Blues

Damn. This is harder than I thought. Gainin' weight was a drag. Nothin' tastes good. I have no appetite whatsoever. How do I get past this? Gotta eat and get stronger.
Yeah, the answer was easy, but doin' it...well, that's another story. A story of deep heartache with hole to big to fill.
It ain't just my belly that's empty.

I took the drugs, and they made me sick. My body was repulsed by this toxic...poison. But I didn't stop. I knew full well what the alternative was. I just had to convince my body to accept this...poison. It wasn't gonna be easy. Hell, what is?

I read the long list of side effects for each drug. It took awhile. It's funny how the papers call these miracle drugs, I thought. They had no idea. They didn't hafta take 'em. It's so easy to have hope when you ain't the one that has to...aww hell!

Well ain't this great, I thought, chokin' down another ensure plus after throwin' up the first one. Would this one stay down? We'll see. This is so depressing. And when I get depressed I get despondent. I don't wanna do much of anything. I just wanted to escape. I was a spiritual quadraplegic.

Video games helped in more ways than one. Saving the princess again helped me regain my hand/eye coordination. Helped me focus. Gave me somethin' to do while I waited.
Waited. For what? It was so clear to me before, but was foggy and unclear.
I needed to gain strength, to gain weight. And I was so weak.

I threw up again. God...I am so depressed. This sucks! I shook as I wiped my mouth and blew my nose. I shook with...shame. Where is that can do spirit? Where is that warrior, ready, willin' n' able to fight? What in the hell is wrong with me?
Patti brought me a cold wash cloth. Bless her heart Lord, I thought, reaching for the wash cloth.

"Thanks," I said, trembling. I was shaken, to my core.

A deep concern etched Patti's face. She wanted so much to help me. I felt guilty for that. I didn't know what I would do without her. I wanted to take her concern away. She shouldn't worry, I thought, as she hugged me. Enduring this was just somethin' I had to do. But...I sure didn't feel motivated to throw my guts out and feel miserable. Quit bein' a baby! I told myself.
I smiled. A forced smile, in an attempt to show Patti I was okay. But she saw through my lyin' smile. Damn, I thought, reachin' for another ensure plus.

And so it went, day after day. Week after week. Month after month and year after year. I slowly gained in weight and strength. But depression was never too far away.
It was the 800 pound monkey on my back.
I had somehow managed to get to 140 pounds, and I hit a wall. Still better than 118, I thought, but short of my goal of 160-170.

I couldn't recall with clarity my purpose. All I knew was to live, to survive. But I knew there was much more than that. A much deeper purpose I had once known so clearly. How do I recover what I had once known so well? Somehow I had lost my purpose, that great gift God had given me.

Oh yes, I was rarin' to go when I saw my purpose, my Destiny. It was so beautiful, noble and full of Life! I was so ecstatic and filled with energy! I was so ready to battle my way to wherever God would lead me. I saw the chart of my soul! I knew who what and where I am and where I was goin'!

My oh my how the mighty Ben has fallen. Mighty...yeah, right. I'm not mighty. I'm a f*ckin' fraud, I thought. I ain't nothin'. Who was I to dream? What vision of mine matters? What damn meanin' will I ever have? No, I'm full of sh*t and I know it!
How in hell did this happen? Was it all a sham I dreamt up? A pathetic grasping of hope that was never there?

No. It was real. I know that much. I'm in a desert and I couldn't find a way out.
I needed desperately to find an Oasis. A place to recharge my soul. Inspiration.
My cynicism repulsed my self. I was tired. Sick n' tired of bein' sick n' tired.
I felt like a petulant teenager and I was filled with shame n' guilt. And...I felt worthless.

I remember that day so well. I had spent all night playin' vedeo games and when I stopped, I turned on Fox news. Just in time to see a jet airliner crash into the World Trade Center! What the hell? Immediately I knew it was terrorists. That's the only thing that made sense. Tom Clancy had written about a similar tactic in a book years before, only that pilot crashed into Congress.

And then, another plane hit the other tower. My heart jumped. My God! All those people! Please help them, I prayed. We are at war, I realized. The Pentagon was hit too, and I knew the white House and Congress were probly next. Whoever was behind this was evil incarnate! I suspected the only terrorists that had been committing homicide bombings, the radical Muslims. Perhaps the Palestinians. They did this to Israel all the time.

Then the unthinkable happened. The World Trade Center fell! Oh my God! I felt a deep sadness for all those folks, all those firemen and cops, all the military at the Pentagon, all those workers...and I felt a burning anger at those responsible for this craven and cowardly attack. I wanted nothin' more than to bring justice down on their God damned heads!

But the Navy would never take me back in my condition. It hurt so much not bein' able to fight the scum of the help wipe out these evil bastards. I knew every Veteran felt the same way I did, as well as many Patriots.

I was pissed when I heard a few pansies makin' excuses for the terrorists cowards!
It was a good thing I wasn't anywhere near these punks, and I wondered how the reporters could hold back whuppin' their candy asses. Parasites is what they are, I thought. Parasites on liberty. They have no f*ckin' problem taking advantage of the liberties they ain't never fought for, in the flesh or at the voting booths. And then they spit on everything America stands for and kiss the asses of God damned evil sons of bitches?! Tar n' feather the bastards and send them to Iran! That's what I would do if I could.

9/11 fired me up, but I was still depressed. I still didn't know what to do, or where to go. I prayed and I did my best. My best was never good enough, however.
It wasn't self pity so much, as it was the truth. Deep down I knew this time in the wilderness would end, but then what?

In 2003 Patti got a WebTV thingy. It was sorta like a computer but it was very slow and very limited. She talked me into playin' chess again online. At first, I balked, but I soon caved and started playin'.
I made some good friends over time. It was a place called and I made friends in Norway, Austria, and Tennessee.

Over time I heard of a place called from another player, and I liked that site better. I played primarily chess, but they had many other games like backgammon, checkers, grabble, battleship, and many, many more. They also had discussion boards, including politics and religion. Ha ha! Uh oh. When I read some of the leftists posting there I hadta respond.
Then there was an atheist spouting off at the religion board. I went after him too.
That was fun, but it soon got kinda old as well. I recall one conservative leavin' links to other conservative sites. Dr. Sanity really caught my attention, so I went there.

It took so long to load but man was it worth it. Dr. Sanity made so much sense! She explained many things I had always wondered about and answered so many of my questions. So that's why those lib's do that. What a treasure Dr, Sanity is, I thought, eagerly reading her posts.

It was a lot of fun to comment there, and I learned a lot about how our minds function. This was the very first positive experience I had with a psychiatrist.
Many times I wished I could see her personally. She would be able to help me find my purpose again, I thought. But I decided to be polite and courteous. I knew she couldn't help me directly online, and I wasn't about to take advantage of her and ask the many burnin' questions in my mind. That would be uncouth and just...wrong.
Besides, I was learnin' a lot about my self through her posts.

Eventually, I checked out some of the links on her sidebar. Hmmm. Ace of Spades was pretty cool and funny. I enjoyed Blackfive, hearing from Veterans the truth about Afghanistan and Iraq. Oh here's one...Shrinkwrapped. That sounded promising.
I had no idea how promising.

Shrinkwrapped was a bit different from Dr. Sanity but I liked him. He had good, meaty posts. And there was this one commenter, Gagdad Bob. I couldn't peg that guy.
His comments were...thoughtful, and compelling at times. That is, when I understood him. Ha ha! He was funny, too! I liked his puns and jokes about Palestinians.
I found myself reading all of his comments. What a keen mind! I thought.

It wasn't long before Gagdad started his own blog, and I followed the link Shrinkwrapped so generously provided.
What's this? I thought, readin' Gagdad's first posts. Some of it made sense, some, sounded new agey, but no, new agers don't believe in absolutes! The comments from Will, Sal, Gumshoe, Lisa, and others was usually above my head. Thankfully, I didn't comment much, 'cause I knew I was the ignoramus here.
Some posts were easier than others to comprehend, at least partially.

Sometimes, Gagdad would write somethin' totally off the wall! So I would leave for a few days. But I always felt compelled to come back. Who in the hell is Petey? I wondered. I stuck with Gagdad, and I looked up the definition of a brazillion words. Some of them weren't in the dictionary. Oh, I see. He's makin' up words to better explain what I have no idea about.

There was this one lady, she was Catholic, very cheery. But one day Gagdad quoted Schuon and she went ballistic! Bob was gracious but she left never to return.
Sad, I thought. I saw nothin' wrong with Schuon, personally. What I could understand anyway.

Gagdad stressed absolute Truth and that is what hooked me. Well, that and his great sense of humor and command of language. He wrote stuff I knew I was thinkin' but could never put in words. How does he do that? I thought.

I recognized that Bob was...special. Touched in the head (in a good way). A freakin' genius! So I devoured his posts, sometimes spendin' several hours readin' and rereadin' them. Includin' the comments. My questions and answers were in there, I knew. This is what Religion should be. Challenging. Inspiring me to think, ponder, contemplate and pray.

I made more good friends, such as Jimmy J., over at ShrinkWrapped. His comments were so filled with truth n' wisdom and I always enjoyed talkin' to him, and learnin' from him. We soon started
e-mailing each other and Jim sent me his book, which was very good! I learnt a lot from The Life of Walter.

Before I knew it my depression was gone. I rarely played video games again, because interacting with such good friends, Masters and Sages, invigorated me! I was...spellbound, you might say. Spellbound to Truth. That was certainly part of my purpose, Truth. I was on the right trail, and I knew my journey would soon lead me back to my purpose.

Then came the day. I'm not sure how it happened. I believe I had said somethin' about my poor health, and Bob e-mailed me, askin' what was ailin' me.
It took me awhile to respond. This wasn't somethin' you just tell anyone. But I knew I could tust Bob, so I told him, "I got AIDS."

"Oh." Bob said. He seemed surprised, but it's hard to tell by e-mail. But that didn't scare him off. Later, when I started tellin' my stories, I asked Bob if I should mention the AIDS. My question was more about the timing, actually, because I realized I couldn't tell my story without mentioning AIDS. I wanted to wait until my readers go to know me a bit before I dropped the A-bomb.

Now, the stories. Yes, that was definitely a scary thing at first. Bob had been talkin' about O-->(k) and O-->(n). IOW's God inspired gnoledge n' Nous (wisdom).
The experience and realization through experience of it. That's how we really gno.

So Bob, he basically leaves the door open for his readers, us Raccoons, to respond in the manner we are inspired.
That's when it hit me! My purpose. Tell the story. Tell the stories. Oh God, I was so scared! Trembling, I typed my first story, wingin' it. Improv all the way. I just let it flow. When I was finished I trepidly pushed the publish button.

Then I waited. And waited. And waited. Oh sh*t! I'm such an idiot! I thought. Who am I kiddin'? No one is gonna like my stories. Why oh why did I do that? They're gonna think I'm a moron!

That's the way faith is. You make the leap and pray to God you don't look too foolish. I had a feelin' I knew I was probably overreacting but I was caught up in the drama. Why is this taking so long? I wondered. The scene would play out, one way or another. The final act was about to unveil.

It don't matter what they think, a voice said. Yes it does! This ain't Ace of Spades where the expect moronery! I thought.
You really need to learn how to relax, the voice said. Easy for you to say, I muttered.

What's the worse that can happen? I wondered. No, I didn't wanna go down that road. God! I'm so pathetic sometimes!
That's okay. I won't hold it against you, the voice said.
Why did this mean so much? Because I respected the Raccoons so much. What they think means a lot to me. More than my blood relatives even.

That's the way faith works. You make an informed leap, but you can't gno what's on the other side, said the voice. That defeats the purpose.
Okay, I get that, I replied. But why is it so suspenseful?
What you don't like suspense and drama?
Well...yeah, I like it, but still...
Oh, forget it.
I can't.
Why didn't you stop me?
Stop you? I inspired you!
Oh. Right. Can you give me a hint? Thumbs up or down?
Are you asking for my opinion?
You need a lifetime of work.
What does that mean? It's bad?
You realize this is ego driven, don't you?
Yeah, you need to quite lettin' your ego get you all riled up.
You didn't answer my question.
Yes I did.
Who inspired you to make that leap?
Ohh. Sorry...and...thanks.
'Salright. You're new at this.

I hiyt the refresh button again, and finally, the comments appeared. it? I was in shock. A good shock.
Yes, they do, said the voice, smiling.
Oh my God! That is so cool! Thank you!
You're welcome. Now get started on another chapter.

Tommy James and the Shondells
Sweet Cherry Wine (Alterated by me)

Come on everyone we gotta get together now
Oh yeah, love's the only thing that matters anyhow
And the beauty of life can only survive
If we love one another

Oh yeah yesterday my friends were marching out to war
Oh yeah listen now we'll keep a marching evermore
Yeah we are gonna fight
Now God sure has the right
To decide who's to live and die

He gave us sweet cherry wine
so very fine
Drink it right down, pass it all around
So stimulating, so intoxicating
Sweet cherry wine
To open your mind
And everybody's gonna feel so fine
Drinking sweet cherry wine
Yes they will

Watch the mountain turn
To dust and glow away
Oh Lord, you know there's got to be a better way
And the old masquerade is a no soul parade
Marchin' through the ruins of time
To save us He gave us sweet cherry wine

Sweet cherry wine, so very fine
Drink it right down
Pass it all around
So stimulating, so intoxicating

Sweet cherry wine
Drink it with your brother
Trust in one another, yeah, yeah
He gave us sweet cherry wine
Sweet cherry wine
Drink it right down
Pass it all around
People don't you know the cup is running over
Sweet cherry wine

Come Sail Away

I'm sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
'Cause I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board I'm the captain so climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow, on every shore
And I'll try oh Lord I'll try, to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy some sad
I think of childhood friends, and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out, on that pot of gold
But we'll try best that we can, to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said
They said come sail away come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away come sail away
Come sail away with me

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The River Will Flow

Chapter 21- Pain Is My Friend

Father...I focused as much as I could, cryin' out to God. Now would be a good time to fix this, I prayed. My bladder is gonna blow up! And I was pretty sure it was irreplacable.

Yeah, like God couldn't hear me, I thought, wrapping my arms around my abdomen, tryin' to get just a moment of relief from the intense pain. Besides my bladder, my stomach muscles were screamin' as well. Maybe I'm gettin' a hernia, I thought.

Everytime I thought it couldn't possibly get worse...well, of course it got worse.
Throughout all the silent screams of agony within my body n' mind, I could...sense a voice sayin'...somethin'. But it was too faint to make out.

Quiet! I silently ordered my body n' mind. What? Please! Speak up, Lord. Too much ambient noise. I couldn't make it out. I tried to single out the voice and increase the gain...the volume... ... O c'mon! Give me a break! I beseeched.

How long this went on I couldn't say. My sense of time was simply gone. There was only now. Right now. Here. Now. I tried to relax, to receive the signal, to get the bearing...and my bearings. It was a bit louder...wha? Shh! ... ... nothin'.

Okay, not quite nothin'. I knew one thing, I hadta quiet my mind, my body and my soul. Ha! Yes, of course. I knew that but how, Lord? I asked. But there was no answer. Because...I already knew the answer. I had to beat the pain. It wasn't enough I wasn't screamin' on the outside. I had to overcome the screamin' on the inside. I had to embrace the agony which meant...which meant...huh? I gotta what?!
Is this a joke?! I asked. Am I goin' nuts? Crazy? Insane?!

I almost laughed out loud. As it was I stifled it, glad that Crystal couldn't see my face, 'cause it was turnin' red from the hilarity of my realization.
This has nothin' to do with my bladder, I thought, encouraged, knowin' I was on the right track.

My bladder flared up again, and I stifled more laughter. I was positive it would sound utterly try explainin' that, I thought, with a big grin on my face.

Okay, I gotta be serious and fight this thing...the pain overwhelmed me and I damn near passed out.
No! I thought. I can't do it that way. Dummy! Back to the in...sanity.

The laughter erupted and I no longer cared to attempt hiding it. "Bwahahahaha! Hee hee! Hahaha!"

"What is it Dad?" Crystal asked, an unsure grin on her face.

I tried to answer, but the laughter continued. Ow! The laughing was hurtin' my stomach muscles! It also increased the pain of my bladder! Normally, I might have pondered this predicament. Instead I found it incredibly funny! Among the funniest I ever encountered!
There was no simple explanation for it. I couldn't explain it with mere words. But it sure made perfect sense at that moment!

Finally, my laughter subsided like a tide, but the see salt of humor remained on the shores of my psyche. A supernatural calm radiated from within me, and clarity followed, ridin' in...sanity. I chuckled at that.

It wasn't words I had heard. Not exactly. It was a song. A familiar song I was sure I knew but I couldn't reacall ever hearin' it anywhere. Radio? No. LP's, tapes, cd's? No. Concerts? No. Church? No. But I knew it! How is this possible? I wondered.
I had clarity but I didn't know everything, I realized, laughin'.
All I knew was I knew this song, and it...was mine?! Yes, it was! Now my mind was racin' with more questions. Ha ha! Everytime I got an answer, more questions popped up! And it was so immensely funny!

The pain got worse, but it had lost it's bite, because now it was only physical pain. My soul was...pain free. No! Free from pain! No! I focused...liberated from the bad effects of that pain. It was still there but I could use it. Embrace it! Now this is funny! I thought.
Damn! That hurts! And it has power over me. Ha! can help me! If I sing my song right, I grinned, involuntarily cringing from the pain.

Now it was easy not to scream. I had sensed much of this mystery before, but I had never gone all the way with it. It was only when I embraced the pain...the humor...the in...sane...the revelation! That I had begun to realize how to continue my journey. And fullfill my...purpose.

Pain played at the periphery of my conciousness as I delved deeper, burnin' me...the old me that remained on the surface. Aye, Holy fire accompanied the pain. Sounds crazy, I know, but trust me, if you choose to, you too can be burned, ha ha ha!
But it wasn't crazy. I wanted the old me to be burned away, so I could...grow!
Pain was a small do I put this in words?! I wondered.

"Hi, I'm Brian, your nurse. How are you doing?" Brian asked, briskly walking into my curtained "room."

"Great!" I said, cheerfully. "Where's Doc Hsu?" I asked.

"She had a code to go to, so she sent me. Traffic accident. Looks pretty bad," Brian said, solemnly. "Anyway, are you ready to get out of here?" He asked.

"You mean like leave and go home?" I replied.

"Yep! I'll have you fixed up in a jif!" Brian exclaimed, grabbing a portable urinal container from a cupboard.

"What is the diagnosis?" I asked, smiling. At least it's not major, I thought, thanking Father.

"This right here," Brian said, pointing to the tube protruding from my penis.
"You see, I saw the x-ray pics and the tube wasn't inserted all the way. It was put in wrong. Wanna see the x-rays?" He asked.

Actually, I did, but I didn't wanna keep Crystal any longer than necessary. Besides, I could picture it in my mind.

"No, that's okay, but thanks anyway. So, are you gonna push it in the rest of the way or take it out?" I asked, pointing to the tube.

"I'm going to pull it out. It's been in too long, and you are at risk of an infection. If you can't pee after I take it out, I'll put a new one in, sound like a plan?" Brian asked.

"Roger that!" I exclaimed. "Crystal?" I asked. It wasn't like she hadn't already seen me nekkid for hours, helpin' me get through the day, but still...

"I'll be outside the curtain, Dad," she said, smiling.

"Here," Brian said, handing me the urine container. "Use this if you gotta go."

"No problem," I replied. The narcotics I was receiving had made it difficult to pee, and sometimes I couldn't pee at all, which was part of the reason for the urine bag. That, and until recently, I couldn't walk.

Brian slowly pulled the tube out and quickly moved back. I stood up and voila! The pee flowed like the mighty mississip! Old man river, keep on rollin' kinda flowin'!
Ha ha! Wow! Whatta relief! This was like...paradise! Well, sorta. I never knew that peein' could feel so good! However, I wasn't eager to repeat the experience.

"Um, Brian?" I asked, pointing to the container which was rapidly filling up.

"Whoa! You were full, weren't you?" Brian replied, grabbing another container and setting it on the gurney.

I finished the first container and quickly grabbed the second, without spillin' a drop! Oh you're good Conrad, I thought, smilin'.
The river of urine continued to rush out, showin' no sign of slowing down. It wasn't long until I was close to topping off the second container!

"Brian?" I asked.

"Damn! I think you're going to break the record!" Brian exclaimed, getting another container.

I switched to the third container, again, without any hazardous waste spill, and the river started subsiding to a creek. Finally, it slowed to a stream and the last trickled out. Two and a half containers! It was difficult to see how my bladder could've held all that without burstin'!

"That's one strong bladder you got there. I'm amazed it held up with that much in it," Brian said.

"Me too," I replied. "I had some help. My daughter and Him," I continued, pointing up.

"I hear that," Brian said, smiling. "You must be rarin' to go. I'll go get the paperwork ready, okay?"

"Sure. So, the visiting nurse put the tube in wrong?" I asked.

"Yeah, it was about six inches too short. A really stupid mistake," Brian said, shaking his head. "You should say something to her supervisor. She obviously needs more training. I'm serious, Dude. You could have gotten some major damage. Do you know the nurses rank?"

"Yes, she's an RN," I replied.

Brian shook his head again. "No way an RN should ever, ever make a mistake like that!" he said, a hint of anger flashing in his eyes as he left the room.

"You can come in now Crystal," I said. It was only now that I noticed my throat was very dry.

I hadn't drank anything since early that mornin'. I looked at the clock and did a doubletake. We had been here eight hours! It was a little past 1600 (4 pm).

"Hey Crys, wanna go get us a few sodas?" I asked.

"Sure, Dad. What do you want?" Crystal repled.

"I'll have a root beer or coke," I said with a lot of anticipation. My stomach picked that moment to growl so loud that we both heard it. We both laughed at the same moment after makin' eye contact.
"I reckon we should stop for some somethin' to eat when we get outta here," I said.

"And we better call Mom," Crystal said, before goin' on a coke run.

"Right! Gotta call Mom!" I repeated. She's probably worried sick, I thought. She knew it would take awhile to be seen and treated, but she would still worry. I hadta wait until I left ER first, though, since cell phones weren't allowed to be used there.

Crystal returned with my root beer and she had a mountain dew. I quickly popped open the can and drank. Root beer tastes better when you're parched! I forced myself to slow down. No use gettin' a brain freeze, I thought.

"Thanks Crys!" I said. A loud burp escaped right after I thanked her, "buurrp!"
Crystal burped at the exact same time, "buurrp!"
We both laughed, as quietly as possible.

"Shhh," I said, burping again, and we both lost it.

The curtain whisked open and a doctor stood there. A Colonel, I noted.

"Everything okay in here?" He asked, gruffly.

"Yes sir," I said, burping again. Oh crap! I thought. Crystal laughed again, turning red. "Excuse me, sir," I muttered, tryin' my level best not to laugh. Then I started hiccuping! Oh no! Not now!

The Colonel looked at me, then Crystal, who was still cracking up, and back to me.
"You been drinking?" He asked, his eyes narrowing.

"N-no, hiccup! Sir," I said. "Hiccup!" Oh that'll convince him, I thought, as Crystal really lost it.

"Try to keep it down kids, capisce?" He said.

"Aye aye, hiccup! Sir!" I said, my hand over my mouth. "Hiccup!" Crystal waved, still laughing.
I thought that maybe, just maybe, I saw a very faint smile on the Colonel's face before he left, but I couldn't say for sure.

"Navy. I should of known," I heard the Colonel mutter.

"Are hiccup! you okay?" I asked, smiling. Crystal nodded, still laughing with her hand over her mouth. Her face beet red.

When she calmed down she said, "you should've seen your face when you burped and hiccuped!" And off she went, laughin' again. I laughed too. That Colonel looked soo serious and puzzled at first. And it was funny, watchin' my daughter laugh so hard.

"Here we go! Just need you to sign..," Brian said, stopping as he saw us laughing.
"What did I miss?" He asked, smiling.

"My Dad...ha ha ha!" Crystal tried to explain.

"We had an encounter, hiccup! with a Colonel," I said, and the burps wouldn't stop. Hiccup!"

"Ookaay. You better lay off that root beer," Brian said, chuckling.

I signed the release form and between hiccups I thanked Brian, and asked him to please thank Doc Hsu. Then we rushed out of there, me hiccuping and Crystal tryin' not to laugh.

There inside my dream
I heard the river roar
I stumbled through the darkened mist
But I couldn't find the shore

Then a voice within the mist said,
"Tell me what do you seek?"
I said, "I have a mighty thirst,
but I feel so tired and weak"

He said, "I am the river
full of power and truth
you've been looking outside yourself
when it's there inside of you"

And the river will flow
The river will flow
Through all of the times of your life
The river will flow

And the river is love
The river is peace
And the river will flow through the hearts
of those who believe

So put your hands in mine
Oh, put your hands in mine
And let us all go down
And kneel by the river's side

We'll cry our tears of joy
Cry our tears of pain
We'll let them fall down from our eyes
to be washed in the sacred stream

Even the secret tears
Buried in our memories
Let them all be swept away
to the depths of the endless sea

And the river will flow
The river will flow
Through all of the times of your life
The river will flow

And the river is love
The river is peace
And the river will flow through the hearts
of those who believe

Whiteheart- The River Will Flow