Thursday, March 17, 2011

One Ring To Bind Them

"I can probably get it on...maybe...but I wouldn't be able to get it off without stripping the flesh off my finger, or cutting it off (the ring, not the finger...although I could cut the finger off I would prefer not to, since I'm attached to it (the finger not the ring)(of course, symbolically I'm attached to the symbol of the ring n' what it represents) (not to mention, cuttin' my finger off would purty much defeat the purpose)," I said.

Okay, I'm gettin' ahead of myself here. Sorry 'bout that. You see, the meds I take and/or the disease I have make my fingers (and knuckles) swell up somethin' fierce.
This presents a problem when I wear my wedding ring since the ring doesn't also swell up.
Therefore, I can't wear my wedding ring most times or for very long without possiblly severely (digital) consequences.

Yes, I know I can wear my ring on a necklace, but that's too easy. Apparently.
Patti is determined to find a way for me to wear the ring on my finger...permanently.
I assume she wants this to happen without anything bad happenning to my finger (hey, I ain't gonna ask her).

So I suggested getting a tattoo of a ring on my wedding finger. Afterall, Patti has mentioned I never got a tattoo and has suggested I get a Navy themed one since it's customary (or used to be) for sailors to do so.
But I never have had the desire. Too expensive. Never saw one I wanted until I die. Take your pick.
But I can go with a ring tattoo. It's practical and it probably still costs more than a real gold or silver (or both) (basically, anything that don't turn my skin green) ring.

She weren't too keen on that idea. I have no idea why (suggestions are welcome).

So I suggested those "adjustable" type of rings...there's several kinds...but Patti is worried about the sanitation of those kind of rings and how they would be kept clean of germs.

"Well, that's easy," I sez. "Just dip it in some whiskey every once in awhile."

I could tell that Patti was not amused...nor was she taking my excellent idea seriously.

"Okay, I can use wood grain alcohol," I sez (although whiskey would be prefferable, I didn't sez) (see, I'm willin' to negotiate).

That idea fell flatter than a tater pancake without taters.

So now she's lookin' for a ring that's big enough to go over my swollen finger (and kuckles).

"But what about when it's too big?" I asked.

"Then put it on your middle finger," she advised.




Is she serious? I wondered. And she thinks my tattoo idea or adjustable ring ideas are dumb?

"Okay...okay, I got a really good idea!" I said, filled chock full of inspiration.

It was almost like an epiphany so cool was this new idea of mine.

"If I hafta wear the ring on my middle finger then I can simply draw an arrow pointing to my ring finger!" I concluded, amazed at how easily I had solved this dillemma (again).

Surely, Patti will be impressed with my cleverness and wit...surely...she's...not.

Woman, what do you want from me? Tap tap this marriage on? Hello?