Monday, February 22, 2010


It took me awhile, but I figured out the reason I have been sleeping so much is due to pain.
To say I have been in pain constantly for several years now is an understatement. It does nothing to convey how much pain that is, for one thing, let alone how relentless it feels.

I should note that it's not so much pain itself that causes me to wanna sleep more (if possible) but the energy it consumes.
Pain literally sucks your energy away, and that can be very debilitating and depressing.

Even though I am presently relatively healthy, the pain coursing through my veins is relentless.
Like a bad case of tinnitus it NEVER stops.
This ain't just physical, either, for there is no small degree of psychic pain that boils forth as a result.

I do realize, and have written about in the past, the benefits of pain; how it leads to revelations if you let it, and if you choose not to take the wide n' easy path of victimhood n' bitterness steeped in envy.

Indeed, those who choose the path of victimhood n' bitterness wouldn't have any idea what I mean when I say we should be grateful to God no matter how much pain we may endure.
Or how we can use our pain to help us realize, actualize and transcend on our quest for Truth, Beauty n' Goodness.

No, victimhood n' bitterness will allow dissent (or descent) but never ascent. It may garner pity but it will never permit joy. And what in the hell is pity good for? Absolutely nothin'.

And tell me, who looks forward to hangin' out with bitter folks? I avoid them like the plague if at all possible.
I sincerely hope n' pray that if I EVER begin to get bitter that you all slap me upside the head n' knock some sense back into me. I literally and figuratively mean that (so get yer seebats ready).

It's funny but there was a time, back in my prime, where I knew I was virtually invincible.
And a few times I was knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door (or purgatory).
Vibrant, full of life to an almost lifeless shell. And yet, at my most energetic I was often engaged in a war for my very soul in the depths of despair, while at my closest to death I found myself full of the highest Hope, and the gnoledge that my soul is in Good hands.

Aye. It's good to remember that there are far worse things than mere death, and there is nothin' much better than Life properly ealized (in regards to our Destiny), and all that it brings (Hope, Faith, Love, Truth, Nobility, Honor, Goodness, eauty, etc.)

In that light, I'm sorry to say it's still a bit depressing when I try to imagine what it was like to be pain free and have abundant energy. And it's not a little bit selfish, I reckon.
It wears on me to the point where it's very difficult to function. Good thing we have dogs to walk, or most days I would never get outta bed.

I can hear a voice sayin' "quit your bellyachin' and man up, dammit! Be grateful for what you can do, and be thankful in all things. Trust in your Father. He knows precisely what you feel so you are never alone."

And another voice smoothly sayin' "you ARE a victim. Why won't your God take that pain away? Doesn't He love you? Look at how UNFAIR it all is. You deserve better!"

So you see that although I have decided to never accept victimhood n' bitterness, the choice always remains. Of course, I gno I can't live with the choice of bitterness. I'm just sayin' all this so I don't get coicky or nothin'.

Ha! I forgot what my point is now. Perhaps I jest needed to write this to remind myself why I'm fightin' to begin with. Yeah. I need these reminders sometimes.
Thanks guys for all your prayers and...for bein' you. The best friends a guy could possible ever want. :^)


Joan of Argghh! said...

Folks who are new to chronic pain in their lives are usually unprepared for the depression and debilitation that lie there in the rack with you.

I am so sorry you are in pain, dear Ben! I am so heartened that your soul is not in pain, however. Your patience and humility in your trials redounds to the Person who is making you whole. I pray He make the outside of the Ben husk whole as well.

Hugs and prayers coming your way today.

wv: equatiou; he will not give you more than you can bear. . .

f/zero said...

Ha! I forgot what my point is now.

And that's exactly the point! By sharing these moments with us, that big sack o'hurt on your back seems to loosen up just a bit and allows us to slip a hand in there to help carry it for a moment or two. With prayer at least. At most I mean.

wv: co-idyll (we don't get there on our own)

Ricky Raccoon said...

Ben, this post helps me remember your other posts about pain. Brings them right in front. You show us how one might go about it. As the Lord did, or does. I have to think He suffers so much watching you suffer, which to Him is His sons and daughters suffering. I’m sure you know that you don’t endure only for you. I hope I remember this.
Blessings, Ben.

jwm said...

I've been bemoaning my own home situation as of late. And bemoaning my admittedly poor showing when it comes to handling it. I'm pissed at alligator lizards, while you're busy wrestling alligators. Puts things in perspective. My prayers are with you, Ben.

Sal said...

Prayers up, everyday, for you and Patti.
You're kind of my hero, you know, for all the reasons mentioned above.
I can't find your address anywhere-would you please send it to me again?

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks Joan!
I'm purty sure I am "adjusted" now to this or perhaps the pain is lessened. Either way works for me, thank God! :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks Dojo!
That's a Good point, and the burden/fight/struggle is indeed easier n' lighter now. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks Rick!
Often I need to be reminded myself. How quickly I tend to forget! Thankfully, He cares enough not to allow that to happen. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks John!
I pray for you, and all you Raccoons also. It helps me keep perspective knowin' there's a lot of folks worse off than me and who handle it with grace, so I know what you mean.
They are an inspiration to us all, especially the One who has suffered all. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Sal, and thanks!
You have been an inspiration to me as well, particularly your efforts to help others so much.
I no longer bellyache when Patti wants me to take stuff we no longer need or use to Visiting Nurses, or the Salvation Army. because of the good example you set.
My inner pack-rat ain't too happy, but who cares about the happimess of mind parasites? It's a blessing to help, and liberating too, I think. :^)
I'll drop you a line with our addy. Good to know I ain't the only one that loses addresses. Ha ha! Sorry Sal, I couldn't resist.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ben,

your words are as touching as they are true. what you say remembers me of my own little petty fights in the lightweight class, and that I should "man up" some :)

all the best!

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Johan!

Thanks! You inspire me! I can only imagine how difficult it would be to come to the realization of Truth and embrace Liberty as you have in Sweden.
Sweden's future is much brighter because of men (and women) like you! :^)

Gecko said...

Thinking of you and praying, dear Ben, and what Joan sez. . .

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks Gecko!

I pray for you too dear lady! You have a good heart! :^)