Fair Winds And Following See's

Hello my friends. This will probably be my last blog post here. I have started a new blog at:
getmetaphysical.blogspot.com

It will be different, just as I am now a bit different, but I hope you will like it.
I have much work still to do on it so please bear with me.

Thank you for sticking with me all these years. Your friendship, encouragement, prayers, and help have been a real blessing to me! You all hold a special place in my heart.

God bless you all, and Godspeed! This isn't the end, it's jest a new beginning. :)

Fight Song

It sure has been awhile since I have blogged or even commented, and you all may be wondering why.
I am sorry it has taken me so long. I meant to write this sooner, but I have been busy and, well, I'm not sure how to say what I'm about to write so I'll quit overthinking it and just write.

Also, I'm more than a little concerned about what you may think of me after you read this.
However, be that as it may, I feel I owe you all an explanation, so here I go, without a net.

Not long ago, I decided to contact my mother. It has been many years since we talked and I think I have mentioned why before. In short, after years of trying to break up Patti and me I finally got tired of it and I told her that if she couldn't apologize to Patti for all the lies she had told, and for trying to manipulate her into divorcing me, not to ever call us again.
And she didn't.

Well, it's been 15 years and I thought perhaps maybe she has changed, so I attempted to get in touch again. Even if she hasn't changed, there's some things I wanted to say to her.
I had no luck finding her on Facebook, and after searching for some time Onthe internet I finally found out she died in 2010.
Of what, I have no idea. I tried to contact my brothers, to get more info, and to see how they are but I can't find them anywhere on the Internet.

That got me to think, once again at how short life is, and although I don't feel guilty about not trying to contact my mother sooner, I wanted her to know I forgive her and, a part of me wanted her to love me. I'm not certain she would have but I had to try. Now, it's too late.
I dunno, maybe that's for the best.

I do have an opportunity to talk to you all, who have been so very kind and generous to me over the years, so I'm gonna stop putting it off and do just that.

As you may have read before, I didn't have a good childhood, but then again, neither have lots of people. Many people have been raped as children, and had essentially no consistent father or mother figure that loved them.
Regardless of what has happened to me in the past, I refuse to be a victim, or to fall into self pity. That's not why I'm bringing this up.
No, I'm bringing this up because some things that have happened to me in the past have affected me. Maybe not on the surface so much, but deep inside it has. More than I used to think.

Much more, as it turns out.

For many years I buried that deep inside and locked it away, or so I believed.
I thought by trying my best to not be like my father, step fathers or mother, and by trying to be good, that would be enough to make up for a crappy childhood.
I knew, of course, I couldn't be good on my own, nor could I save myself so I turned to God to help me with that, and more.

So why did I feel like a freak? What was I missing? Not enough prayer? Not enough devotion?

Okay, let's back up a bit here. Why did I feel like a freak? Because I wasn't normal. Does that make me bad? Is there a way to be normal? How? By acting normal? Yeah, I tried that, many times. Got to be pretty good at it too. I even fooled myself, for a time.

Why didn't I feel normal? Not even in the loosest sense? Could it be because I'm not Normal, no matter how much I might wish it or pray for it?
What was I then, if not a freak? Abby Normal?

Well now, after all that I finally get to it. Yes.

I know, I know, it's still a bit too cryptic so I will elaborate. But not too much, because there's no need to subject you to everything that led up to now, mostly because a lot of it is risqué but also because I don't wanna try to justify what I feel because I don't feel ashamed of these feelings now. I used to be very ashamed and where has that gotten me?

Please don't get me wrong, that's not to say I don't feel ashamed of some of the things I have done, but not this. Not anymore. The only reason I have been reluctant to tell you this is because I love you all, and I don't want you to dislike me because of it. I realize, that's not up to me though. All I can do is tell the truth and hope for the best. I went through the same dilemma with my daughters and they both reacted differently. One, better than I had hoped for and the other, not so much but she still talks to me.

Same with some of my friends around here. Most accepted me but a few no longer want anything to do with me. That hurts but it's better than pretending.

So here goes. I want to live as a woman and I am living as one. I have even gotten a new wardrobe, I wear dresses, learned how to do makeup, shave my legs, and I will wear a wig until my hair is long enough. I am also taking HRT, and I can honestly say I feel happier and more at peace with myself than I ever have before.

That's not to say I think I'm a genetic woman because, obviously, I am not, but other than that I feel better living as a woman. My ID cards, including my military one have my new appearance on them and I intend to change my first name soon.

I now go out in public like this and I was pleasantly surprised to find that most people still treat me nicely.
Sure, there have been some that are mean and a few people have told me I'm going to hell, but that has happened a lot less than I expected.

I don't expect you all to agree with me that this is okay, and I already know this isn't normal, but honestly, I am happy.
My youngest daughter said she has never seen me this happy before and she noted that I am smiling a lot more.

Has my past led me down this path? Well, I can say it probably has affected me, but in the end it is my decision.
I'm still me, and I still believe in God, believe our liberties are precious and should be defended and still try my best to be good.

If anyone has questions I will do my best to answer them, but please don't try to talk me out of this Because you will only waste your time. I have heard and read So much why I shouldn't do this, or why I shouldn't feel this way, and I didn't make this decision lightly.
I do hope you all will still want to be my friends, brothers and sisters but I will understand if you don't.

P.S. I thought this would be a longer post but to explain everything that led up to my decision would take a very long time.
If you all wanna hear more details I will try to write more. I will add that Patti knew of this at least 4 years before passing on. In fact, she is the one that got me to admit it, although it took longer for me to accept it.

Torn

Have you ever been torn? Not physically, but torn nevertheless? I mean really torn.
Well, that's where I am right now. Lots of confliction. Confliction about who I am, I reckon.

The only thing I am sure if at this point is, I am still human and I still love the Truth, much as it may hurt at times. Because I know it will make me a better human.
Not just the truth, but beauty and goodness, the virtues, God, and like minded, offroad travellers.
All if that, and all of you I count as friends, sisters and brothers, make me a better human.

So why am I being torn? What is the root cause? And where do I go from here?

Used to be, I kept my emotions in check. Too much in check. Now it's the other way around.
What precipitated this reversal? And, more importantly, how do I get balanced?

Well, I know what precipated it, at least the basics. Or perhaps I should say I get the gist of the cause.
I have even written, in part, the cause of this recent turmoil. Okay, not really recent. It's always been there, for at least 40 plus years. It's just that it's manifesting now, into a nuclear holocast within me, like I'm being torn asunder.

The really odd thing is, emotionally, I feel whole, but I gno I am not whole.
After Patti's death, the lock on this Bendora's box was blown off, and what's inside is both causing turmoil and serenity at the same time.
Turmoil to my mind, serenity to my emotions.

It's funny, really, because I used to kind of pride myself for keeping my emotions in check. All I was doing was supressing them. Perhaps that's all I could do at the time. I dunno. I'm definitely more messed up than I thought I was.

And getting balanced is gonna be tough. What will be the end result? I don't know. The results I feel I would like to see are, no doubt, not good. Or at least not optimal.

So anyways, I could really use your prayers right now.

Love Changes Everything

Not long after we got married the ship I was on, USS Duluth, was undergoing sea trials (to see if the ship will float after being in dry dock, among other things), shakedown cruises (essentially this means you go to sea to see what needs to be fixed), Reftra (two weeks of hell on keel, to see if the crew is battle ready with lots of sleep deprivation, General Quarters, Condition 1 Alpha, etc.), and out to sea again for exercises with your Squadron.

All this is in preparation for a Westpac deployment, which is normally six months straight, but can be for longer depending on the circumstances.

During the month's leading up to Westpac, I was gone from Patti at 70% of the time so we weren't together much the first year we were married.
Which ain't exactly easy on a marriage.
However, although nether one of us liked it, that was part of my job.

Patti was always there waiting for me whenever I returned from sea. And if I had a duty day (once every three days inport, I had to stay on the ship a full 24 hours to stand watch, help take care of fires, flooding, load up stores for deployment, security alerts, stand watches, or whatever else came up), Patti would come by the ship to visit me, if I wasn't working or standing watch.

During which we would always sneak a kiss or two. :)

So anyways, during this time preparing for Westpac the neighbor next to the apt. we were renting in a seedy section of the North Park area of San Diego started trying' to come on to Patti.
Of course, she would have none of that and she told the creep to get lost more than once, but the guy wouldn't leave her alone.
After a few weeks of this Patti told me about this creep.

Immediately, I went next door to pound on this idiot's door, with Patti warning me not to break it down, because she was worried about me getting arrested.
Fortunately, Creepo answered his door before I hit it too hard (these were cheap apartments and the doors were hollow, and thin, but that was all we could afford at the time).

"What the f#ck do you want?" Creepo demanded, as he flung his door open

"Stay the hell away from my wife assh@le, or I'm gonna beat the sh!t out of you!" I replied politely.

Creepo wasn't as tall as me but he was stockier. I wasn't concerned about that, since I was seeing red, but I could see why Patti was afraid of the punk.

"I'm was just being friendly with her. If you care so much about her you should be home more. Now get the f#ck out of here before I bust you up!"

"Go ahead you punk ass sh!tbag, try to bust me up," I replied even more politely than before.

"What are you going to do motherf#cker? I do whatever I want!" He said, sneering.

"If you so much as even talk to my wife again I will kill you. And if you still keep bothering her, I'll kill you again!" I countered, thinking that sounded pretty dumb, but I ain't exactly mister vocabulary when I get that angry.

As I said that, I stepped closer to creepo, and shoved a finger into his chest. Patti was trying' to grab my arm and pleading with me to come back to the apartment but I couldn't backdown.

Creepo's smugness quickly faded and I saw a flicker of fear in his eyes.

"Um...uh...wh-what does that m-mean, dude?" He asked, taking a step back.

Actually, that's a good question, I thought. But now wasn't the time to explain what I meant.
Now was the time to convince creepydink that I would in fact kill him twice.

"If you bother my wife again you will find out," I replied, squinting my eyes.
"This is your only warning," I continued, raising one finger for dramatic effect, like Bruce Lee, or so I imagined.

"O-okay man, that's c-cool. Just c-calm down man," he said.

I stood there for a moment, my finger still in the air trying to think of what else to say when Patti chimed in.

"Okay. Good! Now let's go home Ben. You don't need to beat him to a pulp like the last guy that bothered me," she said, smiling sweetly.

Actually, up to that point I had not beaten anyone to a pulp for bothering Patti, because this was the first guy that had bothered her since we had met.

Creepydink's face went ashen, and he seemed to be even more afraid than before.

Of course, Creepydink didn't know that. This is a perfect time to scare him some more, I thought.

"Come on," Patti said under her breath, tugging on my arm.

"Okay then," I said, with one last crazy glare (to replace my authentic anger glare) in Creepydinks direction.

As I turned to leave Patti put my arm around her shoulders.

"My hero," she said, kissing me on the cheek and smiling that beautiful smile of hers.

My anger never stood a chance against that lovely smile, nor the kiss that followed.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' Update

Rawhiiiide.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna go horseback ridin'. I had to book this two months ago. Apparently, lots of people go ridin' in the summer.

I love riding horses, and I like horses, so I figured hey, why not?
Back when I was a boy, I used to ride a lot. I had a friend who's dad owned a ranch and I rode every time I visited him. Plus, my step dad at the time, owned 5 acres and a few people he knew would pay him to keep afew of their horses at our place because we had some grazing land and a barn (that my grandpa built. He owned the place before my stepdad #2 bought it).

So I rode those horses too. I also took care of them, feeding, watering, brushing them, and washing them in the summer, occasionally. Plus, shovelling poop out of the barn and keeping it maintained and clean. I didn't mind the extra work because like I said, I like horses.

Here's the link of some pics of where I may be riding:
http://rideon.webstarts.com/pix.html

Should be fun. I'm gonna take a bunch of anti-poop pills so there ain't no chance of any accidents, I hope. I know, TMI probably, lol.
I'll try to take a bunch of pictures if you guys are interested.

Update: Well shoot, the guy who owns the horse ridin' business just called me and he has to cancel tomorrows rides. His truck is broke and the mechanics haven't figured out what is wrong with it.
At any rate, it will be another two or. three months until I can schedule a new day to ride.

That's the way it goes sometimes. I need some rancher friends.

Ignore This Safety Recall For Now

So I got this safetyrecall notice for my 2004 Dodge Durango. Apparently, the driver's airbag doesn't always work right, particularly if the humidity is high.

However, after telling me this the letter goes on to say: don't bring your truck in for an inspection to see if it needs fixing, because we don't have the parts to fix it at this time. We will let you know when the parts become available.

Oh really? How nice of you to do that. Thanks for the warning.

I told Patti we should've gotten a Ford but she liked the way the Durango looks. And it does look okay, but it's made by Dodge Chrysler. Ugh.

Oh well. My next truck will be a Ford, unless they become as stupid as Chrysler or GM.

Dog Advice

Little Miss, the youngest of my two dachschunds is allergic to grass pollen most likely, my vet says.
She has uncontrollable itching from around April, maybe May until August or Sept..
In the past I gave her benedryl, various anti-itch sprays and herbal supplements, and various shampoos.

The benedryl helps a bit, but all that other stuff doesn't.
However, last year they came out with a new drug, Apoquel. On the very first day it worked, and she is itch free. :)

Since it is relatively new, it is expensive. About three bucks per pill. But I don't hafta take her to the vet for infections and antibiotics anymore.
So if your dog has this problem I highly recommend Apoquel.

There has been no side effects whatsoever.

Incidently, if any of you guys know where I can buy it cheaper, please let me know.
I tried 1800Petmeds, where I order the doggie's flea and tick medicine, but they have been out for awhile. Apparently, this drug works so well on all allergies, that there is a high demand for it.