Tuesday, September 29, 2015


Have you ever been torn? Not physically, but torn nevertheless? I mean really torn.
Well, that's where I am right now. Lots of confliction. Confliction about who I am, I reckon.

The only thing I am sure if at this point is, I am still human and I still love the Truth, much as it may hurt at times. Because I know it will make me a better human.
Not just the truth, but beauty and goodness, the virtues, God, and like minded, offroad travellers.
All if that, and all of you I count as friends, sisters and brothers, make me a better human.

So why am I being torn? What is the root cause? And where do I go from here?

Used to be, I kept my emotions in check. Too much in check. Now it's the other way around.
What precipitated this reversal? And, more importantly, how do I get balanced?

Well, I know what precipated it, at least the basics. Or perhaps I should say I get the gist of the cause.
I have even written, in part, the cause of this recent turmoil. Okay, not really recent. It's always been there, for at least 40 plus years. It's just that it's manifesting now, into a nuclear holocast within me, like I'm being torn asunder.

The really odd thing is, emotionally, I feel whole, but I gno I am not whole.
After Patti's death, the lock on this Bendora's box was blown off, and what's inside is both causing turmoil and serenity at the same time.
Turmoil to my mind, serenity to my emotions.

It's funny, really, because I used to kind of pride myself for keeping my emotions in check. All I was doing was supressing them. Perhaps that's all I could do at the time. I dunno. I'm definitely more messed up than I thought I was.

And getting balanced is gonna be tough. What will be the end result? I don't know. The results I feel I would like to see are, no doubt, not good. Or at least not optimal.

So anyways, I could really use your prayers right now.


Leslie Godwin said...

Dear Ben
Thank you for posting something so difficult and personal. I am praying for you and will so anything I can to help. Please continue to reach out to others while you are going through this. Please update whenever you can. Call anytime, etc.
God bless you, Leslie

julie said...

Yes, I'll second what Leslie said. You are always in our prayers, Ben.

Rick said...

Extra helpings of prayers headed your way, my friend.

mushroom said...

Ben, we will be praying for you. If there is anything I can do or any way that I can help, please let me know.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Praying for you, Ben. You know any of us would do what we can for you, but don't forget about your guardian angel, who beholds the face of God and reveals Him to your spirit. Jesus had angels attending Him when He was torn, too. Lean hard on their help, they carry our prayers to you and yours to God.

julie said...

Joan, great point. You probably already know, but today is the feast day of the archangels...

Van Harvey said...

We're missing you Ben, and praying for you. And don't forget, you're still her hero.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thank you, my friends! This is indeed a challenge, but unlike any I have faced. Just to be more clear, although I am conflicted, I am not depressed, if that makes any sense, lol. Also, I wrote this when I needed sleep, so it sounds worse than it is. Having slept all day I feel much better. I will follow through with more answers at a later date.

I cannot begin to tell you all how much I appreciate your prayers! !

John Lien said...

Hey Ben, extra prayers for you my friend. Oh, Rick just said that. Still true though.

Leslie Godwin said...

Checking in on you...hope you are doing well,

julie said...

Leslie, I woke up this morning thinking the same thing.

Ben, you are missed!

Frank O. said...

Dear Ben, I have never commented here before but read and love your blog and I wish you the best and will pray for you. You might not be aware of all the readers you have who follow you and find worthwhile meaning in your blog but believe me, there are plenty. Best Wishes from Cambridge, England.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Looking for you, Ben. ((Hugs))