Saturday, February 27, 2016

Fight Song

It sure has been awhile since I have blogged or even commented, and you all may be wondering why.
I am sorry it has taken me so long. I meant to write this sooner, but I have been busy and, well, I'm not sure how to say what I'm about to write so I'll quit overthinking it and just write.

Also, I'm more than a little concerned about what you may think of me after you read this.
However, be that as it may, I feel I owe you all an explanation, so here I go, without a net.

Not long ago, I decided to contact my mother. It has been many years since we talked and I think I have mentioned why before. In short, after years of trying to break up Patti and me I finally got tired of it and I told her that if she couldn't apologize to Patti for all the lies she had told, and for trying to manipulate her into divorcing me, not to ever call us again.
And she didn't.

Well, it's been 15 years and I thought perhaps maybe she has changed, so I attempted to get in touch again. Even if she hasn't changed, there's some things I wanted to say to her.
I had no luck finding her on Facebook, and after searching for some time Onthe internet I finally found out she died in 2010.
Of what, I have no idea. I tried to contact my brothers, to get more info, and to see how they are but I can't find them anywhere on the Internet.

That got me to think, once again at how short life is, and although I don't feel guilty about not trying to contact my mother sooner, I wanted her to know I forgive her and, a part of me wanted her to love me. I'm not certain she would have but I had to try. Now, it's too late.
I dunno, maybe that's for the best.

I do have an opportunity to talk to you all, who have been so very kind and generous to me over the years, so I'm gonna stop putting it off and do just that.

As you may have read before, I didn't have a good childhood, but then again, neither have lots of people. Many people have been raped as children, and had essentially no consistent father or mother figure that loved them.
Regardless of what has happened to me in the past, I refuse to be a victim, or to fall into self pity. That's not why I'm bringing this up.
No, I'm bringing this up because some things that have happened to me in the past have affected me. Maybe not on the surface so much, but deep inside it has. More than I used to think.

Much more, as it turns out.

For many years I buried that deep inside and locked it away, or so I believed.
I thought by trying my best to not be like my father, step fathers or mother, and by trying to be good, that would be enough to make up for a crappy childhood.
I knew, of course, I couldn't be good on my own, nor could I save myself so I turned to God to help me with that, and more.

So why did I feel like a freak? What was I missing? Not enough prayer? Not enough devotion?

Okay, let's back up a bit here. Why did I feel like a freak? Because I wasn't normal. Does that make me bad? Is there a way to be normal? How? By acting normal? Yeah, I tried that, many times. Got to be pretty good at it too. I even fooled myself, for a time.

Why didn't I feel normal? Not even in the loosest sense? Could it be because I'm not Normal, no matter how much I might wish it or pray for it?
What was I then, if not a freak? Abby Normal?

Well now, after all that I finally get to it. Yes.

I know, I know, it's still a bit too cryptic so I will elaborate. But not too much, because there's no need to subject you to everything that led up to now, mostly because a lot of it is risqué but also because I don't wanna try to justify what I feel because I don't feel ashamed of these feelings now. I used to be very ashamed and where has that gotten me?

Please don't get me wrong, that's not to say I don't feel ashamed of some of the things I have done, but not this. Not anymore. The only reason I have been reluctant to tell you this is because I love you all, and I don't want you to dislike me because of it. I realize, that's not up to me though. All I can do is tell the truth and hope for the best. I went through the same dilemma with my daughters and they both reacted differently. One, better than I had hoped for and the other, not so much but she still talks to me.

Same with some of my friends around here. Most accepted me but a few no longer want anything to do with me. That hurts but it's better than pretending.

So here goes. I want to live as a woman and I am living as one. I have even gotten a new wardrobe, I wear dresses, learned how to do makeup, shave my legs, and I will wear a wig until my hair is long enough. I am also taking HRT, and I can honestly say I feel happier and more at peace with myself than I ever have before.

That's not to say I think I'm a genetic woman because, obviously, I am not, but other than that I feel better living as a woman. My ID cards, including my military one have my new appearance on them and I intend to change my first name soon.

I now go out in public like this and I was pleasantly surprised to find that most people still treat me nicely.
Sure, there have been some that are mean and a few people have told me I'm going to hell, but that has happened a lot less than I expected.

I don't expect you all to agree with me that this is okay, and I already know this isn't normal, but honestly, I am happy.
My youngest daughter said she has never seen me this happy before and she noted that I am smiling a lot more.

Has my past led me down this path? Well, I can say it probably has affected me, but in the end it is my decision.
I'm still me, and I still believe in God, believe our liberties are precious and should be defended and still try my best to be good.

If anyone has questions I will do my best to answer them, but please don't try to talk me out of this Because you will only waste your time. I have heard and read So much why I shouldn't do this, or why I shouldn't feel this way, and I didn't make this decision lightly.
I do hope you all will still want to be my friends, brothers and sisters but I will understand if you don't.

P.S. I thought this would be a longer post but to explain everything that led up to my decision would take a very long time.
If you all wanna hear more details I will try to write more. I will add that Patti knew of this at least 4 years before passing on. In fact, she is the one that got me to admit it, although it took longer for me to accept it.


AndrewPrice said...

Normal is overrated my friend! I hope it all goes well and you find happiness! :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you Andrew! I really appreciate that!

John Lien said...

Well, it will take a little getting used to, I'll have to admit. But hey, you're my friend. I was a bit concerned since you had gone quiet for so long.

AllenaSelina said...

Hi John,
Thank you for remaining my friend. I am sorry it took me this long to tell you. This isn't the easiest thing to bring up. I understand about getting used to the idea. It took me awhile too. :)
I hope everyone knows this doesn't mean I'm all for political correctness now, or that I'm now a leftist, because I'm not.
I will never expect special treatment and I'm not gonna get all New Agey with you guys. I am a bit different now, Especially emotionally speaking (although I am really working at not allowing my emotions to control my mind) but I do feel more strongly than I used to.
And I am finding that most people I have met who have this in common with me don't fit the stereotypes and cliches so many people may think is prevalent, based on movies, television or PC depictions by many of the "activists" and "advocates."
If anything, I am much more willing to fight for our liberties than I used to be. There's a lot of people that only want to live their lives in peace and not be told how to live by out of control govt. or idiots, and most of the trans people I have met want the same thing in that regard.
Didn't mean to ramble on about that but I find that to be fascinating and somewhat encouraging.

Allena-C said...

Again, I know this will be a shock to most if not all of you. Perhaps it would be good to write more about this, Not just for me, but also to show how all the stereotypes and cliches don't reflect the reality.
This has been a real eye opener for me, and I am glad I am more compassionate and far less judgemental than I used to be. It has been a humbling experience for me. Trans people are human, not a freak show,
I mean, yeah, some trans people are pretty freaky but most of the ones I have met are not. More importantly, would Jesus reach out to trans folks? I believe he would. After all, He came for the downtrodden, the outcasts, and the pariahs that nobody else wanted to be near because of their fears or their appearance.
That has inspired me to do the same. And hopefully, I can be a small help to them.

julie said...

There's a post up at Father Stephen's that seems relevant here: Feeling Like a Fool.

You're still you, and still loved. Especially and always by God. Whatever else you are doing, whatever you are going through, pray, and we will be praying, too.

I'm glad you are okay.

julie said...

Also, I don't know if you have any kind of devotion to Mary, but it might be worth considering. There have been times in my life when I needed that holy feminine influence, as spiritual mother and comforter, and she really is there for anyone who reaches out. Not to mention being the template for what it means to be feminine. I don't pray the rosary as often as I'd like at present, but I have no doubt she has helped to guide my family through many interesting times.

There are lots of good resources for an assortment of devotions, but you can't go wrong with a simple Hail Mary now and then.

Allena-C said...

Hi Julie, and thank you. That is a fantastic blog post by Father Stephen!
Aye, I am still me. In truth I feel more me than I ever have, or rather more at peace with myself.
I greatly appreciate your prayers and I shall continue to pray as well. :)

Allena-C said...

That brings to mind the times I was so close to death. Saying Hail Mary's, and using the rosary, aloud or silently to myself were a great comfort during those dark times! Sadly, I gradually stopped doing that after I got better.
Thanks for mentioning Mary. It's past time for me to dust off my rosary and make that part of my daily (and more) routine again! :)

mushroom said...

It's kind of a shock, and it will take some getting used to, but it's you, and we are good with that.

Mainly, I'm glad to hear you are doing all right. I have been worried about you.

Allena-C said...

Thank you Dwayne! I really am sorry for not contacting you all earlier. I reckon I felt that there waso way you all would still like me, but I know that was a baseless fear. Well, maybe not completely baseless, because I have lost some friends but I should've know you all wouldn't have the same reaction. I allowed my fears to run amok too long and I know better.
I know your prayers, and everyone elses have been extremely helpful to me, although it may seem like the results weren't ideal. As a wise man told me recently, nobody's perfect, along with this link:

Which is pretty funny as well. :)

mushroom said...

I just started to say you are my brother no matter what, but if you want to be my sister, I love you either way! It will be all right.

Allena-C said...

Oh wow! thank you so much, Dwayne! I am honored to be you sister!
I need to say your generosity...everyone's generosity has moved me to tears of joy more than once the last few days. :)

Rick said...

Well, I have a trans friend.
That is, if you'll still have me, Ben.

On the range of human sins, it sounds pretty mild, if it even registers. I've done plenty worse, that's for sure.

Anyway, like pretty much everything, I got my theories about the trans phenomenon. It has something to do with "putting on beauty." Maybe that's not far off.

Someday I won't forget this, even for a minute: Don't make _________ the most important thing in your life. Heaven, Christ, those are the most important.

And since we're confessin'... Maybe you better sit down...

(I am not a sports fan.*)

*I'm not anti-sports by any means. I was once a very good, natural athlete. Just missing a part or something. Or the desire. Many won't understand. I actually wish I was a sports fan. Everyone looks so happy! Well, half of youz.

I'm glad you have some trans friends too.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Well, am I ever late to this party! LOL!

So glad you're okay and more than okay. I quit coming here, but would ask from time to time if anyone had heard from you.

Now I know who to wave at over at the Raccoon Lodge. ;)

Much love... <3

Allena said...

Thank you Rick and Joan!
It is so good to hear from you both!
I apologize for the late reply. I must have missed the notifications of your comments
Since it went to my old email address and I rarely check it anymore.

I concur Rick, God is very much the most important part of my life!

And thank you Joan and Rick!
You have made my day, even though you wrote these comments months ago. :)

God bless you both, and your families too.