Fight Song

It sure has been awhile since I have blogged or even commented, and you all may be wondering why.
I am sorry it has taken me so long. I meant to write this sooner, but I have been busy and, well, I'm not sure how to say what I'm about to write so I'll quit overthinking it and just write.

Also, I'm more than a little concerned about what you may think of me after you read this.
However, be that as it may, I feel I owe you all an explanation, so here I go, without a net.

Not long ago, I decided to contact my mother. It has been many years since we talked and I think I have mentioned why before. In short, after years of trying to break up Patti and me I finally got tired of it and I told her that if she couldn't apologize to Patti for all the lies she had told, and for trying to manipulate her into divorcing me, not to ever call us again.
And she didn't.

Well, it's been 15 years and I thought perhaps maybe she has changed, so I attempted to get in touch again. Even if she hasn't changed, there's some things I wanted to say to her.
I had no luck finding her on Facebook, and after searching for some time Onthe internet I finally found out she died in 2010.
Of what, I have no idea. I tried to contact my brothers, to get more info, and to see how they are but I can't find them anywhere on the Internet.

That got me to think, once again at how short life is, and although I don't feel guilty about not trying to contact my mother sooner, I wanted her to know I forgive her and, a part of me wanted her to love me. I'm not certain she would have but I had to try. Now, it's too late.
I dunno, maybe that's for the best.

I do have an opportunity to talk to you all, who have been so very kind and generous to me over the years, so I'm gonna stop putting it off and do just that.

As you may have read before, I didn't have a good childhood, but then again, neither have lots of people. Many people have been raped as children, and had essentially no consistent father or mother figure that loved them.
Regardless of what has happened to me in the past, I refuse to be a victim, or to fall into self pity. That's not why I'm bringing this up.
No, I'm bringing this up because some things that have happened to me in the past have affected me. Maybe not on the surface so much, but deep inside it has. More than I used to think.

Much more, as it turns out.

For many years I buried that deep inside and locked it away, or so I believed.
I thought by trying my best to not be like my father, step fathers or mother, and by trying to be good, that would be enough to make up for a crappy childhood.
I knew, of course, I couldn't be good on my own, nor could I save myself so I turned to God to help me with that, and more.

So why did I feel like a freak? What was I missing? Not enough prayer? Not enough devotion?

Okay, let's back up a bit here. Why did I feel like a freak? Because I wasn't normal. Does that make me bad? Is there a way to be normal? How? By acting normal? Yeah, I tried that, many times. Got to be pretty good at it too. I even fooled myself, for a time.

Why didn't I feel normal? Not even in the loosest sense? Could it be because I'm not Normal, no matter how much I might wish it or pray for it?
What was I then, if not a freak? Abby Normal?

Well now, after all that I finally get to it. Yes.

I know, I know, it's still a bit too cryptic so I will elaborate. But not too much, because there's no need to subject you to everything that led up to now, mostly because a lot of it is risqué but also because I don't wanna try to justify what I feel because I don't feel ashamed of these feelings now. I used to be very ashamed and where has that gotten me?

Please don't get me wrong, that's not to say I don't feel ashamed of some of the things I have done, but not this. Not anymore. The only reason I have been reluctant to tell you this is because I love you all, and I don't want you to dislike me because of it. I realize, that's not up to me though. All I can do is tell the truth and hope for the best. I went through the same dilemma with my daughters and they both reacted differently. One, better than I had hoped for and the other, not so much but she still talks to me.

Same with some of my friends around here. Most accepted me but a few no longer want anything to do with me. That hurts but it's better than pretending.

So here goes. I want to live as a woman and I am living as one. I have even gotten a new wardrobe, I wear dresses, learned how to do makeup, shave my legs, and I will wear a wig until my hair is long enough. I am also taking HRT, and I can honestly say I feel happier and more at peace with myself than I ever have before.

That's not to say I think I'm a genetic woman because, obviously, I am not, but other than that I feel better living as a woman. My ID cards, including my military one have my new appearance on them and I intend to change my first name soon.

I now go out in public like this and I was pleasantly surprised to find that most people still treat me nicely.
Sure, there have been some that are mean and a few people have told me I'm going to hell, but that has happened a lot less than I expected.

I don't expect you all to agree with me that this is okay, and I already know this isn't normal, but honestly, I am happy.
My youngest daughter said she has never seen me this happy before and she noted that I am smiling a lot more.

Has my past led me down this path? Well, I can say it probably has affected me, but in the end it is my decision.
I'm still me, and I still believe in God, believe our liberties are precious and should be defended and still try my best to be good.

If anyone has questions I will do my best to answer them, but please don't try to talk me out of this Because you will only waste your time. I have heard and read So much why I shouldn't do this, or why I shouldn't feel this way, and I didn't make this decision lightly.
I do hope you all will still want to be my friends, brothers and sisters but I will understand if you don't.

P.S. I thought this would be a longer post but to explain everything that led up to my decision would take a very long time.
If you all wanna hear more details I will try to write more. I will add that Patti knew of this at least 4 years before passing on. In fact, she is the one that got me to admit it, although it took longer for me to accept it.