Torn

Have you ever been torn? Not physically, but torn nevertheless? I mean really torn.
Well, that's where I am right now. Lots of confliction. Confliction about who I am, I reckon.

The only thing I am sure if at this point is, I am still human and I still love the Truth, much as it may hurt at times. Because I know it will make me a better human.
Not just the truth, but beauty and goodness, the virtues, God, and like minded, offroad travellers.
All if that, and all of you I count as friends, sisters and brothers, make me a better human.

So why am I being torn? What is the root cause? And where do I go from here?

Used to be, I kept my emotions in check. Too much in check. Now it's the other way around.
What precipitated this reversal? And, more importantly, how do I get balanced?

Well, I know what precipated it, at least the basics. Or perhaps I should say I get the gist of the cause.
I have even written, in part, the cause of this recent turmoil. Okay, not really recent. It's always been there, for at least 40 plus years. It's just that it's manifesting now, into a nuclear holocast within me, like I'm being torn asunder.

The really odd thing is, emotionally, I feel whole, but I gno I am not whole.
After Patti's death, the lock on this Bendora's box was blown off, and what's inside is both causing turmoil and serenity at the same time.
Turmoil to my mind, serenity to my emotions.

It's funny, really, because I used to kind of pride myself for keeping my emotions in check. All I was doing was supressing them. Perhaps that's all I could do at the time. I dunno. I'm definitely more messed up than I thought I was.

And getting balanced is gonna be tough. What will be the end result? I don't know. The results I feel I would like to see are, no doubt, not good. Or at least not optimal.

So anyways, I could really use your prayers right now.