Thursday, March 17, 2011

One Ring To Bind Them

"I can probably get it on...maybe...but I wouldn't be able to get it off without stripping the flesh off my finger, or cutting it off (the ring, not the finger...although I could cut the finger off I would prefer not to, since I'm attached to it (the finger not the ring)(of course, symbolically I'm attached to the symbol of the ring n' what it represents) (not to mention, cuttin' my finger off would purty much defeat the purpose)," I said.

Okay, I'm gettin' ahead of myself here. Sorry 'bout that. You see, the meds I take and/or the disease I have make my fingers (and knuckles) swell up somethin' fierce.
This presents a problem when I wear my wedding ring since the ring doesn't also swell up.
Therefore, I can't wear my wedding ring most times or for very long without possiblly severely (digital) consequences.

Yes, I know I can wear my ring on a necklace, but that's too easy. Apparently.
Patti is determined to find a way for me to wear the ring on my finger...permanently.
I assume she wants this to happen without anything bad happenning to my finger (hey, I ain't gonna ask her).

So I suggested getting a tattoo of a ring on my wedding finger. Afterall, Patti has mentioned I never got a tattoo and has suggested I get a Navy themed one since it's customary (or used to be) for sailors to do so.
But I never have had the desire. Too expensive. Never saw one I wanted until I die. Take your pick.
But I can go with a ring tattoo. It's practical and it probably still costs more than a real gold or silver (or both) (basically, anything that don't turn my skin green) ring.

She weren't too keen on that idea. I have no idea why (suggestions are welcome).

So I suggested those "adjustable" type of rings...there's several kinds...but Patti is worried about the sanitation of those kind of rings and how they would be kept clean of germs.

"Well, that's easy," I sez. "Just dip it in some whiskey every once in awhile."

I could tell that Patti was not amused...nor was she taking my excellent idea seriously.

"Okay, I can use wood grain alcohol," I sez (although whiskey would be prefferable, I didn't sez) (see, I'm willin' to negotiate).

That idea fell flatter than a tater pancake without taters.

So now she's lookin' for a ring that's big enough to go over my swollen finger (and kuckles).

"But what about when it's too big?" I asked.

"Then put it on your middle finger," she advised.




Is she serious? I wondered. And she thinks my tattoo idea or adjustable ring ideas are dumb?

"Okay...okay, I got a really good idea!" I said, filled chock full of inspiration.

It was almost like an epiphany so cool was this new idea of mine.

"If I hafta wear the ring on my middle finger then I can simply draw an arrow pointing to my ring finger!" I concluded, amazed at how easily I had solved this dillemma (again).

Surely, Patti will be impressed with my cleverness and wit...surely...she's...not.

Woman, what do you want from me? Tap tap this marriage on? Hello?


Rick said...

Ben, I like all your ideas. Which means I can be of no help that counts :-)

This post reminds me of, I'm sure you've heard the joke, if not told it a few times yourself :-)

But it was from my future father-in-law that I heard it first...when his daughter and I told them about our engagement. It was just me and him at the kitchen table afterward. You know the joke, "The 3 rings of marriage" He says, "There's the engagement ring, the wedding ring....and the suffering!" This clearly was one of his favorite jokes as he is kind of a quiet man and not one to LOL very often. He did that day. He was totally outnumbered in his castle with 3 daughters.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks Rick!

LOL! I haven't heard that joke in several years but now it's far funnier! :^)

mushroom said...

I can't believe you all haven't solved this yet.

Put the ring through your nose.


USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Ha ha! Good 'un, Mushroom!
The symbolism alone is worth the price of admission. :^)

robinstarfish said...

I'm thinking we should start a "can't wear a ring" club or something. I wasn't really trying to copy you when the sawbones cut my ring off, honest.

I really like the tattoo idea. Maybe if Crane goes for it, Patti will too.

Do they make Velcro rings yet?

Joan of Argghh! said...

Oh, for pity's sake I went and googled "ring spacers jewelry" having just invented them as I typed. I specified jewelry because I didn't want something from a machine shop.

Sure enough. $3.95 to save your marriage.

wv sez: nonism. Hey! No phony beliefs around here!

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Ha ha! Good idea, Don! Velcro gold would be cool! :^)

I hope your ring can be saved for a reasonable price.
I wonder if they have gold tattoo ink? Would a skull n' crossbones
design be too much?

Good to see ya back! :)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Joan!

Thanks for the link! I'm wainting for the "right time" to spring it on Patti.
Walk softly and...walk softly is my motto. :^)
Don't judge me, I wanna live!

Seriously, that looks good. Worth a shot for the price. Thanks Joan!