Saturday, June 13, 2009

Shingle Me This!

I interrupt this broad cast for this important message:

Sung to the tune of "Basketball Jones" by Cheech-

Shingle toe woes,
I gotta shingle toe woes,
I gotta shingle toe woes oh baby,
ooo-ooo-ooo! (Or is that ooh ooh ooh?-Ed).

Yes OCAS fans, I now consider myself a battle hardened veteran when it comes to everybody's favorite chicken pox on steroids past time: shingles (kinda like tingles but with hellfire and insane itching).
This bein' my fourth incounter with the pox and all.

Not that I'm complainin', mind you. This is just my left foot. I can soitenly think of worse places it could be, so I'm happy it's not a repeat performance of the last three poxes (poxi?-Ed). :^)

Skully, always willin' to help (as long as he don't actually hafta do much) recommends: Aye! You guessed it, copious amounts of grog, with rum chasers. Or was that copious amounts of rum with grog chasers? Aw hell, I'll try both!
And for once, I'm in total agreement with Skully. Fight fire with fire! Blow those damn shingles to kingdom come!

For a few days now, I have seen the puppy with a kleenex tissue, running around like it's a trophy or something.
Where in the world did he get that? I wondered, since I throw kleenex away after using it. And I'm not prone to dropping them around the house.

So I go take away the kleenex, but not without heavy resistance and a rigorous chase that finally resulted in the recovery of several pieces of kleenex. But I won, by george! I won! Yeahhh! Take that, Little Miss! I'm da man! A bit out of breath but still da man, regardless.

A few minutes later Little Miss runs by with another kleenex, and was quite happy to see the look on my face. The next day, the games continued, three more times. Where is she gettin' the damn kleenex? I wondered again.

As the sweat rolled off my face, I threw the pieces of the latest "kill" away, and I notice a black flash to my right, down by the floor. Little Miss was pulling the kleenexes from the box next to me. Very convenient for pups and people alike. Why you little...!

What's this? Now Skully has mixed together, usin' his coveted shipboard alchemy skills, somethin' he calls "torpedo juice."
Now I've heard of torpedo juice while I was in the Navy, but I never had the chance to try some. For those not familiar with the term, it's basically a form of moonshine. Although Skully says it puts moonshine to shame, so perhaps that's an unfair comparison.
I'll just taste test it and tell you first hand what it's like...gulp.


...!! "Ack!"


Er...hi there, shipmates! Skully here. Cap'n Ben is...well you might say he's takin' a "power" nap. Yeah, that's the ticket. But don't you worry none, Cap'n Ben will be up and about in no time. My torpedo juice will speed up the healin', see. It gathers all those imoon cells and they go after those nasty ol' shingo cells. Sorta like "repel borders!"

Those imoon cells get little shotguns (pump action, of course) and .45's. Others get M-14's, M-16's, (or whatever the hell they're usin' these days) and naturally we got some mannin' the .50 cals. Then they go space to space, deck to deck throughout the ship (or body) and blast those scumsuckers all to hell!
You might've heard of my famous battle cry:

"Damn, where's the torpedo juice? All ahead flank!" Or somethin' like that. I dunno, there's so many variashuns I fergot the actual words, but that's purty close.
"Fire!" Is another one you mighta heard. I'm fairly certain that one is verbatum.

"C'mere, pup! Wanna kleenex?" Those pups really like kleenexes for some reason.
"Here, a bit of sardine oil will make it taste better."


Joan of Argghh! said...

Oh noes! Shingle toes!

Heal up quick, Ben. I'm sure Skully's ministrations will make the time pass more festively.


walt said...

Where OH WHERE is the staid, quiet, reticent, serious, studious and sober-minded fellow we've all come to turn to for guidance in our times of great need?

Hah? Where?

Seems he's gone to the dogs!

(Try this, if you can stand it: put very hot water on the itchy parts; obviously, not so hot that you burn yourself, but tepid water doesn't work. This often will relieve the itching. Kinda orgasmic, sometimes.)

QP said...

Oweee! I know the shingles aren't funny, but this post sure is! What Joan Said.™

Ice relieves itchin' too; sometimes ya gotta apply yin to the yang to achieve balance.

julie said...

Yep, what Joan, Walt and QP said. And it sounds like Little Miss is doing her part to try and distract you; good dog ;)

Hope you feel relief soon, Ben.

mushroom said...

Torpedo juice sounds like something I had back in college. We lived on the bottom floor of one of the dorms and our end dropped down about four feet so we were sort of the basement. Hence we called ourselves Bats and at parties we served BatPunch. It would make a sidewalk curb look forty feet high.

Jimmy J. said...

Reminds me of the shingles joke, but I won't repeat it here as I'm sure having even shingles of the toe is no joke.

Torpedo juice reminds me of the ADM Farragut joke. But I won't tell that one either because it's really about Navy coffee or as some know it, "battery acid."

Have heard that "battery acid" can render the effects of torpedo juice null and void, so I would not go near any of that until the shingles become like smooth siding or some such.

Take care Cap'n Ben and listen to Skully.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks guys n' dolls!

Man, I have been exhausted lately.
The pain (and walkin' two more dogs) really sucks the energy outta you.
I am startin' to feel better though. And a bit stronger. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

"Where OH WHERE is the staid, quiet, reticent, serious, studious and sober-minded fellow we've all come to turn to for guidance in our times of great need?

Hah? Where?"

Who are you talkin' about Walt?

Thanks fer the tip! :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Joan,

Aye, festive! The only problem is, Skully's hangover cure...which is more grog of course. I feel like I been to bloggeritaville...lookin' for my lost shaker of salt.

How I got here I haven't a clue. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Thanks QP!

Ice does make it fair n' balanced.
Yin n' yang works well to relieve the symptoms. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Julie,

Thanks! Little Miss loves the spotlight. What a ham! She got some more shots a few days ago, but that didn't slow her down.
If only we could harness puppy energy! Except for the part where she acts like Cujo...

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hey Mushroom!

Batpunch? That sounds like something only pros like Skully should try. That and torpedo juice seem to be related to high octane aviation gas (or avgas for short).
Very volatile stuff! :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Jim!

But I like gallows humor! :^)
I believe Bull Halsey also had shingles a few times, and worked through some of it. He was a tough sonofagun!

It's good to see you again!

Gecko said...

So sorry that you are suffering with shingles again. There seems to be an epidemic.Two elders I know have had an outbreak right after their grandchild had been vaccinated for chicken pox . My friend and her husband both were vaccinated two years ago and she has it now. One wonders if she would have a worse case without the vaccination.
Hang in there, Ben! Err, I guess those little hot dogs are kinda cute. . .but I'm not tempted, no, not me.

AndrewPrice said...

USS Ben, our last dachshund LOVED to carry things. He always had something in his mouth -- tennis ball, shoe, sock, whatever he could find.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Gecko!

Thank you. I've heard of the vaccination, but it's definitely no guarantee against getting shingles. I couldn't take it anyway since I already had shingles before they developed it.
I'm sorry your friends and elders came down with it.

Like you, I'm always a bit suspicious of any new vaccines or drugs (or computer programs from Microsoft, such as IE8).
Seems there's always some initial kinks for them to work out despite some rigorous testing and trials, but that's no consolation to the ones trying it who experience those kinks.

I'm sure Merlin could resist the charm of dachsi pups. :^)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hey Andrew!

Thanks for sharing that. Our pup is definitely like that. The older dog will to some extent but not nearly as much as the female pup.

Surprisingly, our last dachsi wasn't a carrier at all (unless it was a chew bone), but he did like to play tug-of-war a lot. :^)

AndrewPrice said...

USS Ben,

Our vet told us (way back) that some dogs have the carrying instinct and others don't. Our one guy constantly had something in his mouth. The other one couldn't have cared less. She would carry a bone, but that's about it.