Thursday, October 30, 2008

Welcome Back To the Snailnet

One of the things I absolutely hate is lying deceptive liar pukes. They really get me up in arms!
Enter WildBlue satellite high speed internet "service" (lying pukes that deceive).

Not long after getting this so-called "service", the WildBlue pukes informed us that we were downloading "too much."

I looked at Patti as I said "huh? What in the hell are they talkin' about?"

So we read the very long, two page lawyer's manifesto. Basically, it boiled down to this:
WildBlue first claimed they weren't spying on us and that they weren't monitoring our 'puters.


Then they proceeded to tell us we could only download "a certain amount" each month.

Why? I wondered. We are payin' for a freakin' product. It's as if I bought a car and the dealer called and said we were drivin' too much.
All we were doin' was lookin' at youtube videos. I was workin' on a post of Skully's favorite tunes. This was before my blog disappeared.

Then, the WildBlue punks go all commie on our asses and tell us how important it is that everyone gets their "fair share" of downloading quota's.

Even if everyone doesn't download the same amount? I wondered, gettin' hot under the collar.

Now the WildBlue hippies again accuse us of "using more than our fair share." The share we paid for.

"Waitaminnit! Didn't these bastards just say they don't monitor us?" I asked.
"How in tarnation do they know how much we use?"

Somethin' was rotten in Denmark, or wherever the hell this mob run outfit is!
We read the rest: "blah blah, if you keep bein' greedy and usin' our product that you paid for you will be cut off until next month, blah blah."

"Well then, how freakin' much is too much?" I asked aloud.

No reply to that.

"Furthermore," the WB bozo's continued, "we may arbitrarily change the amount (you hafta guess) of downloads you are authorized to use at any time we deem necessary."

"Arbitrarily my lily white ass!" I boomed. "I'll arbitrarily kick their asses!"

Patti stopped me from throwin' the 'puter out the window, and talked me down.

"If we just don't download any videos until next month it will be okay," Patti said.

"But we pay for this #@%$&^* #@%$! I exclaimed.

"I know, I know," she said, gently, "but we have no choice."

No choice. Fine. Whatever. "I'm gonna tell everyone I know what weasels these commies are!" I said, realizing that's all I could do.

"Okay dear. You do that," Patti said reassuringly.

"They're messin' with the wrong guy!" I exclaimed.

"They sure are," Patti said.

The days pass, and my anger flashes each time I can't watch one of Bob's really cool jazz video's. I went into bereavement and wore black when I missed the Redneck World Music. Not to mention all the cool (I'm sure) vids my fellow Raccoons recoonmended.
I hate commies, I thought.

But I did my time. Until suddenly, outta the blue, outta the WildBlue, I get a notice on my 'puter a few days ago: "You are using too much CPU time, blah, blah, if you keep usin' too much we will be the fascist pigs we are and punish you, blah blah,
we are the Borg, resistance is futile."

"#^%@ you!" I shouted.

Patti asked what was wrong, as the same message appeared on her computer.

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked. "I haven't watched any videos. Not even the Redneck World Music!"

"It means you are using the computer too much," Patti said.

"What, first they tell us we can only download so much without specifying, then they tell us we can only use our computers so much, without specifying?" I asked, tryin' to make sense of this communist manifesto.

"Yeah, basically that's what they're saying," Patti said.

I read the last paragraph: "we aren't monitoring you, however, you are using more than your fair share..."

Liars! I thought. How do they know bupkis if they tell me what they can't possibly know unless they are buggin' my 'puter?

I took a few deep breaths and resisted the urge to track these cyber pinko's down.
You see, I wanted, and still do, to administer some cyber justice...some "innernet vigilanteism" as Skully would say.
Kinda like Charles Bronson in Death Wish...all five of ' once!

Unfortunately, I realized, that might be a misdemeanor or somethin'. Although Skully is convinced no jury would convict us.

"Okay," I said, a gleam flashing in my non-twitching eye, "put me back on dial-up. At least MSN ain't commies...yet."

So Patti worked yesterday, tryin' to get it to work. See, we have it on the 'puter but it just wouldn't connect. I had already disconnect the NaziBlueFascist network, so that wasn't it.
Unfortunately, the MSN tech support was gone for the day.
Today, after about an hour, Patti got ahold of a real live tech support lady in the Philippines.
A few hours later, still with no success, the Philippino lady who spoke Philippino very well, but not english so well, transferred Patti to a super-duper tech.
Finally, after another hour, success! Hurray!

Yeah, it's slow, and I can't watch videos, but at least I'm not bein' told when I can and can't be on the innernet. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
Let this be a warnin' to any of y'all (or anyone y'll know) who might consider gettin' high speed internet (this includes HughesNet BTW). Don't do it. Stay with dial-up until DSL shows up in one or two decades.

You'll thank me later. :^)

BTW, if anyone sent me an e-mail the last few days, you might wanna resend. We had to basic reset stuff and it's like I started a new acct. even though I didn't. Or somethin' like that. I dunno. Anyway, just send me an e-mail if you want. I still got everyone's addresses so that's cool.


Robin Starfish said...

Some Joe the Marxist is thanking you for redistributing your obamanet time down to those less fortunate than you. They now have the precious bandwidth needed to read Huffingtonpost and Deepak and download porn and other staples of life. And when they are all lifted in the new Obamanation, they will turn to extend a helping hand to you!


The race does not go to the swift. Turtle said that. One Cosmos At Sea don't need no 'artificial enhancement'; it packs a punch even in slo-mo.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hey DoJo!
Thanks, Bro!
That's one wise Turtle!
OCAS: No artificial colors, sweeteners or flavors.
Only Ogamic storytellin'...clean n' straight up. :^)

walt said...

Surely you must have noticed that it's your insistence that suppliers actually supply what they claim to that causes your unhappiness. Relax, Ben, and learn to go with the flow! Remember: enlightenment is learning to enjoy the confusion!

We're all confused ... and we're all flowing ... together, Ben. Come join us, won't you?

Or, you could look at it like this -- dial-up is like the wages of sin: not great, but steady!

julie said...

Two thoughts occur to me:

1) what a bunch of buttholes,


2) is it possible that your computers are infected with a virus? I know that there are some out there that basically turn your 'puter into a kind of zombie that accesses the internet and sends out spam. It's my understanding that the bandwidth limits usually are in place to catch spammers and hackers, and there's no way that what you guys do should be setting them off, so that's why I'm asking. Maybe someone's messing with your system? (Could explain the blog problems, too...)

or 3)
they're just a bunch of buttholes.

Anyway, I'm glad you're back again - I was just starting to worry :)

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Walt!
Now I'm coonfused. :^)
Apparently I not only get the wages of sin, but also a bonus. Ha ha!

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Julie!
Hmmm. I hadn't thought of that. I usually do the quick scan, but I'll do a complete virus scan just to be sure. That takes awhile, but it'll be worth it if I find somethin'. Thanks! :^)
I sure missed you guys!

Gecko said...

As Julie said, Sir Ben, "they're just a bunch of butt holes'. Don't let them compromise that immune syastem of yours.
I miss you when you don't post and you are always in my prayers.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hey Gecko!
Thanks! I'm not gonna let 'em get me down. I sincerely appreciate your prayers!
I pray for you as well. :^)

QP said...

I bet they were charging you about $60 bucks a month for a basic size connection, but they would be happy to provide you with more if you agreed to bend over. That and your not being located under the southern sky makes it just not worth it.

Shake the sand from your feet.

Van said...

After much consideration, I believe the 'butthole' evaluation is probably accurate.

Don't worry though, if obamama is elected, all the good stuff will be shut down soon after, and there won't be anything worthwhile left to use up your bandwidth quota's on.

Back to butthole....

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

QP! Hi!
Yes, it's funny, because they ofer 7 hour blocks for ten bucks a pop.
Yet they present their product deceitfully, "just pay this 60 dollar fee and get high speed internet!"
Without tellin' you about all the restrictions.

I'm sure I won't hurt their business, but I will tell everyone I know the truth about their presentation.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hey Van!
Waitaminnit! Didn't The One offer free broadband to everyone? LOL!
Buttholes indeed!

KuntryMama's Kitchen said...

Yes, lily white....yes, butt holes

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

That was a good crack, Honey! :^)