Bell Bottom Blues

Chapter 19 or 20 (Death Becomes Me)

Bell bottom blues, you made me cry
I don’t want to lose this feeling
And if I could choose a place to die
It would be in your arms

Do you want to see me crawl across the floor to you?
Do you want to hear me beg you to take me back?
I’d gladly do it because

I don’t wanna fade away...
Give me one more day, please!
I don’t wannna sail away...
In your heart I want to stay!

It’s all good, and it’s all right
The way that you treat me baby
Once I was strong but I lost the fight
You won’t find a better loser

I don’t wanna fade away...
Give me one more day, please.
I don’t wannna sail away...
In your heart I want to stay.

I don’t want to sail away...
Give me one more day, please!
I don’t want to fade away...
In your heart I want to stay!

Bell bottom blues, don’t say goodbye
I’m sure we’re gonna meet again
And if we do, don’t you be surprised
If you find me in our blue Heaven

I don’t wanna sail away...
Give me one more day, please.
I don’t wanna fade away...
In your heart I want to stay.

I don’t wanna fade away...
Give me one more day please!
I don’t wanna sail away...
In your heart I long to stay...

Bell Bottom Blues

There he lay, a shadow of his former self. An IV was connected to his arm, and a catheter protruded from under the covers of his hospital bed.
He had decided to die at home, if at all possible, so his doctor kindly ordered him the hospital bed and some men set it up in the living room.

Hospice visiting nurses arrived every day to check his vitals, lungs, heart and any problems they could alleve or fix.
His loving wife Patti did all she could to make him comfortable, bless her heart and his daughters helped out when they could.

For months he had wasted away, and for weeks he lay in his hospital bed, still fighting, still intent on conquering this challenge...to live.
He could barely say a few words without going into a seizure, he could not read or write without also seizing up and blacking out.
He could not walk without assistance which is why he had a catheter these last few weeks.

After hospice care was started a nurse asked if he wanted to sign a form stating he didn't want to be revived if he died. After much prayer and meditation he decided to sign a revised form: no super human efforts to be revived. That was as far as he would go, because he believed that life is precious, a gift from God.

Yes, here Ben lay, unconcious, having blacked out for no apparent reason other than...he was fading away...dying.

I heard Patti shout my name, and then everything went black. I felt warm in a seductive darkness that beckoned me to let go and surrender.
It would be so nice to rest, I thought. To go to sleep and dream...

Where's Patti? Where's my daughters? Where am I? There was no sense of time, here.
As if I was suspended in...nothing. I could see no light, but I felt good, and there was no pain. No pain! When was the last time I was without pain? I wondered.
I couldn't recall. I felt so...alive but it made no sense to me.
This is weird, I thought.

And still, the darkness, which seemed to me to be alive, beckoned me to let go.
I'm dying, I thought. For weeks I knew I was dying, but I didn't really believe it.
Afterall, I had survived so much, thanks to God.
I had survived a four inch tumor on my pancreas, which had disappeared after showing up on x-rays and CT scans.
That sure baffled all the docs, except for my doc. Everyone started callin' me the miracle man.
Shingles three times, the first was the worst, but I survived. Weight loss, more times than I can count.
I went years with virtually no immune system! With CD4 counts in the single digits.

Nurses and docs started lookin' at me differently. When asked what I did, I gave all the credit to God.
All I did was choose to live. Sometimes that wasn't easy. Sometimes I wanted to just give up and let go. But I couldn't. It wasn't in me to give up.

I sensed a voice but it wasn't a voice, it was more like thoughts, but hey weren't mine.
"Sleep...let go...dream. You have fought the good fight. You deserve to rest," the thoughts seemed to say. It was so tempting. What do I do? I wondered. What should I do?
I knew, without a doubt in my mind, that if I succumbed, I would surely die. This is really death I'm hearing, I thought, struggling to clear my mind.

Everything at once entered my very being. All that I was and all that I am. My entire life, the good, bad and ugly. Every waking and sleeping moment. Every good and evil thing I had done or thought about.
I cringed at the evil and even the "good" made me ashamed at times. I was..naked.

Oh God! I cried. I'm so sorry! Immediately I felt Love embrace me, my sins removed, but the darkness remained.
What should I do?I asked. But there was no answer.
The darkness became still darker. I didn't think that was possible, but it did.
I knew, somehow, that meant something, without knowing how. I knew many things at that timeless moment without knowing how.

It's like, a massive amount of knowledge had downloaded or entered not just my mind, but my entire being...actually, more like seeds. I had a vague sense what they were but not their full potential. I tried to understand what this meant, but I felt an urgency within. I had to choose, life or death, now!

I wanna live! I thought, almost involuntarily. The darkness closed in, trying to enter me, and it hurt! All sorts of pain flashed within me. I could barely think as I assumed a fetal position, trying not to black out. This is killin' me, I thought, clenching my remaining teeth.

But it's already black, I thought, tryin' to smile. So I can't black out.
The darkness was no longer warm and comforting and it didn't appreciate my attempt at humor. It seemed malevolent now, and I am certain I could hear a howl of despair and rage as it attacked me.

I'm too weak to fight this, I thought, trying to remain concious in this strange place. This is too much pain! I cried to God. Help me, Lord!
But there was no reply.

The darkness was succeeding. I could feel it tearing at my flesh, yearning for my soul. A flash of fear entered my mind and a deep sense of despair.
I can't...I can't, I thought.
Something that had entered me earlier...one of those seeds sprouted. I don't know why but it seemed as if it was more important than anything for me to know this seed, now.

Again, I struggled to clear my mind as the darkness assailed me. I gotta...focus, I thought. What is that? I gotta know! Leave me alone! I screamed, and the fear was replaced by anger. I punched and kicked at the darkness but it only constricted me further, laughing at my feeble efforts.

Well, that don't work, I thought, wryly. Oh yeah, the seed, I thought. Maybe it will help me fight. I tried to focus again, but the darkness made a loud scream that hurt my ears and scrambled my thoughts.
I winced, praying for God to make it stop. But I knew at that moment, only I could make it stop.

The seed grew, and it was tryin' to tell me somethin'. Somethin' I had to know!
This is more important, I thought, redoubling my efforts to resist the darkness.
I...will...not...surrender! Period!
The seed was now growing...nonstop. I recognized it, but I didn't know, yet.
What? Pur... I had to hurry! I was bein' overwhelmed!

Damn it! You are really pissin' me off! I thought. Then it hit me...the seed.
I knew. Purpose! I had a new purpose! I felt it, and it energized me!
The darkness shattered as I opened my eyes.

"Hi," I said weakly, tears flowing from my eyes. Patti's eyes were red, and tears flowed from them.

"I thought I lost you," Patti said, hugging me tight.

"It's all right," I said, feeling no seizure coming. "I'm not goin' to die anytime soon," I whispered.

Patti held me tighter and we both cried. My life was renewed and I had a purpose. But what is my purpose? I wondered. I knew I would know after it was full grown.
For now, my purpose is to live! I knew.