Thursday, June 4, 2015

Ain't Much Left Of Me

This song describes me to a high degree, when there wasn't much left of me.
I was at one of them there crossroads that we encounter only all the time in life.
But this crossroad was one of those rock bottom ones. You know the kind I'm talkin' about, when you are broken, hurting', desperate, depressed, dumbfounded, confounded, and, well, you get the idea.

Anyways, yeah, I've been to the crossroad of life n' death a few times more than I'd like to admit.
Where the only two choices I could think of was dyin' or livin', up or down for good (bad, actually), good or evil, God or gogdamn hell, or the closest thing to it this side of hell.

That terrible place where you can't think straight. All you know for sure is, if God won't save me (again) I'm done for. That's all he wrote, Bub. You don't hafta stick a fork in me, I'm past well done.
Ain't much left of me.


When I turn to God everything gets better. Maybe not my material or physical situation (not right away), but my spirit and mind and heart. A thankful heart. And a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Now, there is more of me. The real me. The me I am destined for. The path is clear as God's grace shines on it.

Of course, there are other crossroads that are at various levels of the vertical, as well as the horizontal, but I tend to remember the worst ones a bit more than the best ones.
So I obviously oughtta be mindful of that and work harder to keep a thankful heart.

Here's a different version of the same song. I like 'em both.
I'm glad I found Blackberry Smoke. They are a very good band if you like southern rock/country rock/country.


mushroom said...

That is just about a perfect description of me, too.

...God or gogdamn hell, or the closest thing to it this side of hell.

I know what you mean. And you are dead on as to the solution.

Didn't know about Blackberry Smoke, but I like 'em (except for the lead singer's neckbeard). They are right in my wheelhouse. Thanks for that introduction as well as your words of strength and encouragement.

John Lien said...

Good message Ben.

As Fr. Stephen was saying just the other day,

Salvation comes to us at the point of weakness. To become whole we must become broken.

I really wish it weren't so.

Also, that was a good song. Those boys are good, they could use a haircut though.

Leslie Godwin said...

Dear Ben, the mother in me wants to tell you to call us when you feel like that. I am so thankful that you turn to the Lord in those dark times. You have so much inner strength to do that.

We will be praying for you, and so glad you have your blog and share so much of yourself.
God bless you, Ben,

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Mushroom,
Yeah, that neck beard is very odd looking.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi John,
Aye, brokenness is not a lot of fun, but I reckon it's necessary, especially with thick headed fools like me. Sure tends to give a proper perspective whenever I get too full of my self.

Haircut? I hadn't noticed, Give them twenty or thirty years and they'll probably get one.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

Hi Leslie,
Thank you. Thankfully I don't feel that way as much as I used to in my younger years, and never to the same degree. It can still be quite painful though, however, not as painful as the alternative.

I guess I felt a bit like that on the 4th because it's been a year since Patti had to leave me...for awhile.
No more first anniversery, birthdays, July 4th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc., without Patti. Perhaps that is partly what Doc was tellin' me when he said the first year is the toughest.

I don't know that I have a lot of inner strength. I just don't like to give up, particularly since I know that Patti would not want that. I think she saw something in me I don't always see in myself, that is potentially good (or worth fightin' for) with God's help.
It is my hope that I continually strive to be a better man.

Anyways, I wanna thank all you guys n' gals for listening and for your prayers. You have no idea how much that helps me! :)
You know, I also don't feel alone as much as I used to. I mean, i know I'm not ever alone, but I don't always feel that way.