Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Armed Decision, and What Not to do with a Blender

Okay, so here we were sitting there, and waiting to see the ortho man:
"Sir? Yeah you! You need to fill these out before your wife see's the doctor," the secretary said, handing me a pile of papers.

"Alright," I said, getting up to grab the papers. "Honey, here are some papers they want you to fill out," I said to my wife.

"I'm hurting and I'm nauseated. You fill them out," she replied through clenched teeth.

"Um, sure. No prob.," I said, reading the first paper.

Last name, first name, MI, DOB, address, blah blah. After I finished the easy information they ask about medical history: Hmmm. Yes.

Next question, "What is the problem?" Broken wrist and base of thumb thingy.
So far so good.

"What irritates the hurt body part?" Lessee, tennis, dodgeball, push-ups, falling on it, etc..

I hate stupid questions...let's see how they like stupid answers.

After I finally finished the medical information manifesto, my wife was called to talk to another secretary.

"You go," my loving wife curtly says.

Right. I go. Sigh.

"Does your wife take medications?" The other secretary lady asks.

"Yes," I replied.

"What are they?" She asks.

"I don't have them memorized. She's here for a fractured wrist and thumb thingy," I said. Doesn't she know this is orthapaedics?

"We still need to know. Just tell me the one's you remember," she said, smiling.


After reciting what I recall, she asks me if Patti had ever had surgery.

"Yes," I reply.

"How many, what kind, and when?" The other secretary lady asked with a straight face.


After the long interrogation, which had nothing to do with my wife's arm, we waited
again (actually, we never stopped waiting).

Finally we get called in, only 45 minutes after the appointed time...

...To see a nurse. The nurse asks more stupid questions.

It took me awhile to realize she was asking follow-up questions to the papers I filled out.

"What is this about tennis and dodgeball?" The nurse asked, clueless to the painstakingly crafted humor I had written.

"Those activities irritate the fractured wrist," I deadpanned. A joke isn't funny if you have to spell it out. Not to nurse humorless at any rate.

"I don't know why you wrote this," she replied, no trace of a smile showing.

"He was joking," my Wife offered.

Nothin'. No reaction.

"I was jokin' know?" I said to drive the point home.

Still nothin'. Okaaay...

"Did you get x-rays?" Nurse "no sense of humor" asked.

"Yeah. That was how weknew her wrist and thumb thingy was fractured," I said, smiling.

"Do you have the x-rays?" She asked, non-plussed.

"Nooo, the ER staff didn't give me a copy," my Wife said, shaking her head.

"Well, you will need another one then. Go in that room and the x-ray tech wil x-ray your arm," the nurse said, pointing.

But we're only about 200feet from the hospital, I didn't say. Probably faster to just do it again, I reasoned. They might see more also.

After the x-ray we waited for the doc. "I can't believe you wrote that," Patti said, nudging me with her good arm.

"I can't believe the nurse didn't 'get it'. Besides, it's all true. Tennis and dodgeball would irritate your broken wrist," I replied.

Could this be? Yes! The doctor was in da house! Hallelujah! 'Bout time!

The doc looked at the x-ray and pointed. "You basically have two choices. As you can see, your wrist is fractured here, here and here, and the broken bones are a few millimeters out of alignment. You can just let it heal as is, or I could do surgery to align everything up exactly, but it will require a plate and screws," he said.

"No surgery," my Wife said.

I could see why she would say this. Most surgeries she has had has resulted in bad consequences so I wasn't surprised about her decision.

"No problem. I'll get the nurse to put your cast on. In two weeks we can shorten the cast so your elbow will be free," the doc said.

A different nurse arrived and asked, "What color cast do you want?"

She has a choice? Cool!

"Red please," Patti said. Red bein' one of her favorite colors.

"Wow! It really is red," I noted.

"Yes, we can make just about any color!" The nurse said enthusiastically.

After the cast was completed we returned home. Later, the next day, my Wife asked me to use the blender and blend some frozen strawberries.

Easy enough. I found the blender and poured in the frozen strawberries, remembering the lid.
Hmmm...nothin'. I tried diferent settings and still...nothin'. Except for the strawberries on the bottom.
What I need is a bit of water. So a bit of water and...still not much happening.

So, you wanna play hardball? I ask the blender. Well, now you'll get it you defiant appliance.
I removed the lid and grabbed a long, plastic cup. I forced the berries down into the blades with the bottom of the cup.

Eureka! We have progress!
Thrilled with my ingenius plan I continue. Yeah baby! Now we're talkin'! I was almost finished when the blade caught the cup.
Nooo! I had misjudged the depth of the blades!

I pulled out what was left of the cup, disappointed.

"What are you doing?!" A familiar voice said behind me.

I whirled around, covering the shredded bottom of the cup with my hand.

"What do you mean?" I asked, tryin' to find a way out of this mess.

"What's this?!" Patti asked, grabbing the cup.

"I um, kinda pushed the cup too far. It was an accident!" I said, invoking the accident clause.

"You don't use a cup to force things into the blade!" My wife exclaimed.

Wanna bet? And it almost worked too! I decided not to say.

"Yeah, well, you see, the berries weren't movin' and I thought, you know, they need to be helped along, and..." I stumbled out.

"Don'! Ever!" She shouted.

"I'm sorry! I misjudge the distance and..." I tried to explain.

"Don't touch the blender!" She repeated.
Needless to say, Patti wasn't very happy with me after that.

Hmmph! Women! What was the big deal? It's not like the blender is broken!

Anyway, today she almost smiled about it, so she's makin' progress you might say.
Eventually, she'll come around to my way of thinkin'...I hope.

It was still a good idea...

1 comment:

Van said...

"It was still a good idea... "

I'm with ya Ben. Personally I prefer to use a spoon for that... it is a little bit noisier... and of course it could get shot out and maybe go through your eye or sumthin'... but if you aren't caught right off, they're easier to dispose of, and aren't usually missed soon enough to be tied to you.

Course if we didn't mess with the blender to begin with... but then how do you get the berries whooshed up?

I suppose maybe with a cup... and a spoon... .